


Too Much

by pixieyutoda



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: #Oblivious Hyunggu, #Supportive Dad Yanan, Best Friends Wooyu, Eventual Relationships, Falling In Love, Kang Hyunggu In Pretty Makeup, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Strangers to Lovers, Underage Drinking, Yuki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-07-24 23:03:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16185050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixieyutoda/pseuds/pixieyutoda
Summary: “you’re too nice, adachi yuto.” hyunggu smiles and kisses his cheek sloppily, lips pink and pretty, his last bit of lip gloss lingering there.if yuto knew how hard he was going to fall for the pretty pink dancer in pretty pink lipstick he wouldn't have gone to class that day. it would have saved him a lot of trouble.in which yuto is absolutely infatuated and wishes he wasn't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> just a small trigger warning, there is some touching without consent in this chapter but it's nothing too extreme or graphic !!

________

 

it’s 2 a.m. when wooseok calls him, sniffling through the static of their phones and panicked, yuto sits up so fast he almost gives himself whiplash.

 

wooseok cries at emotional animated movies or kdramas with depressing storylines and ost ballads that put yuto to sleep. he cried once at a kitten that they found in an alley on their way home from a rice cake shop, shivering, so thin they could count her bones. neither of them could take her home and wooseok knew that but he fell in love so fast there were tears in his eyes when they had to say goodbye.

 

one time wooseok pressured yuto into sneaking out and the latter got so drunk he gave himself a concussion, they sobbed on the bathroom tile together (yuto mostly crying because wooseok was).

 

the point being, yuto witnesses wooseok’s crying about 3 times a year and it normally is nothing like this.

 

“seok?” he says softly, laying on his back to look at the dorm room’s ceiling, getting two shaky intakes of breath as a reply.

 

“have you ever been so in love that it hurts?” his best friend whispers, deep voice croaky, words spilling out into the world around them like they weren’t meant to be there.

 

“i don’t know.” yuto whispers back honestly, because it’s true, he just might be too young to know what love really is. or if love actually exists for him, if it only manifests for his friends and family, and no one else outside of that bubble. if he trusts anyone enough to let them harm him with love. “have you?”

 

“it hurts real bad, yu.” is all he gets as a response, wooseok’s voice so faint he has to strain his ears to hear him, like speaking in a whisper is the only thing stopping the other from breaking down completely. “i thought being in love was supposed to be a good thing.” he sounds weak, disappointed, cheated by rom-coms and slow songs, and lies fed by happy people who’ve never experienced a heartbreak.

 

“i thought so too.” the line stays quiet for a heartbeat, “does the person you love not love you back?” he wonders for a second if he shouldn’t have asked, but he wants to know, wants to take some of wooseok’s pain and make it his own.

 

“they want me but they don’t _love_ me.” his voice cracks at the end, and it all spills like water crashing through a dam, bursting through the seams. it’s like he was admitting it to himself for the first time and couldn’t handle it all. heart wrenching gasps fill the air around him, tears in his own eyes threatening to fall at how damaged the younger sounds.

 

“isn’t it so sad?” wooseok whispers, “that we give our hearts to people who don’t deserve them and still get so surprised when we get nothing back?”

 

yuto opens his mouth but nothing comes out, one salty tear running down his cheek, landing safely onto the pillow below him.

 

“goodnight, yuto. i’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

 

and the call ends just like that, a soft click and penetrating silence.

 

they meet up in the morning to walk to class together and wooseok smiles big even though it never reaches his eyes.

 

it’s only when shinwon introduces his new roommate hui, who has smiley eyes and an even cuter grin at the caf and wooseok’s face grows sour that he realizes.

  


________

  


yuto ends up in the nurses’ room so much he thinks he’s starting to annoy them. it starts off with little scrapes and cuts from p.e. he frequently receives, whining that just because he played baseball for 5 years it doesn’t make him any less clumsy. it continues with a small concussion from being whacked in the temple with a dodgeball and slows with a ankle injury, a haphazard trip over some junior’s gym bag.

 

the nurses aren’t at all surprised to see him when he walks (hops) in, pointing him towards the cot he always uses, the biggest one, the only one that will hold his long legs.

 

the office isn’t empty either, there’s one other boy, hair a sweaty black pile atop his head, legs curled comfortably underneath him. his fingers are at work, tapping at the nintendo switch in his hands, paying no mind to the nurse on his right. her hands steadily wipe blood from his arm, an open gash that only glass or something equally as sharp could have caused.

 

he’s pretty, really pretty, yuto notices, a peachy blush decorating his cheekbones, pink matte lipstick on his pursed lips. little noises leave him as his fingers flit over the buttons, eyebrows furrowing to the point where he looks almost angry.

 

yuto doesn’t talk much, because there’s usually not much that he needs to say. and by the time he’s thought of something witty to add to conversation the topic’s been changed and he just gives up. he’s used to being the ‘quiet one’ in his friend group, seeming shy and introverted to others while his close ones know just how loud he can be.

 

strangers intimidate yuto, it always feels like he has to impress them, make them like him immediately and he never knows how to do that. but he finds his mouth opening, a sentence tentatively stringing together and it tumbles out like a mistake.

 

“what game are you playing?” it’s so quiet in the room a pen dropping would sound loud so yuto’s soft voice almost echoes, reaching across the stillness.

 

“kirby.” the boy answers gently, immediately, eyes scanning the screen with immense concentration. his pink tongue pokes out of his mouth as he focuses, nose scrunching with effort and it’s so endearing even the nurse takes a peak at him and smiles. “i’ve been trying to beat this level for two days and still no luck.”

 

“well i hope you win.” yuto says softly, unsure if the gaming boy can even still hear him, as nurse #2 pulls the curtains forward, offering him ice for his ankle.

 

yuto runs into kirby boy three days later while he’s in the cafeteria stuffing 2 dollar tacos down his throat. wooseok’s already ditched him to play soccer with some upperclassmen yuto doesn’t know and probably never will. he doesn’t mind though, his phone is propped up against a chocolate milk carton, courage the cowardly dog reruns keeping him entertained.

 

kirby boy’s hands are full, a thick purple notebook in one hand, pencil case dangling limply from his fingers, nintendo switch, sandwich, backpack and all. yuto’s up before he even realizes it, like his body decided to move before his brain even could think of doing so. he catches the other’s book as soon as it slips, swiping it out the air and he’s just a tiny bit proud of his fast reflexes.

 

kirby boy looks up from under his lashes, eyes wide with surprise like a spooked kitten. he breaks into a little smile that make his cheeks look all puffy like freshly baked bread, rising dough and yuto doesn’t quite know what to say.

 

“thank you!” his smile gets wider and wider until there are little sun rays beaming in his direction. he sets all his stuff down on the table where yuto had been sitting, sighing in relief once his hands are finally free.

 

the japanese boy places the lavender book down amongst the rest, glancing at the cover that reads ‘so i never forget’. he wants to ask so many questions, is so curious about the other boy and has been since he saw him in the nurses’ room bloody, unaffected, fully concentrated on sucking things up as a little pink character.

 

“do you mind if i sit here?” he’s pouting a little, already tearing open the plastic wrapping on his sandwich. “my friends ditched me to watch someone get their nose pierced in the boys bathroom.”

 

“that can’t be sanitary.” yuto mumbles and is pleasantly surprised at the small giggle that floats across the table. “nor does it seem like such a grand spectacle.”

 

“they’re only interested because it mind end up bloody.” he wiggles happily in his seat, taking a bite, more comfortable now that he knows yuto isn’t asking him to leave. “they asked me if i wanted to go but i said no because blood makes me real queasy and i’ve been thinking about eating this sandwich all day.”

 

it’s quiet for a few beats and yuto musters up the little courage he has to speak up. something tells him he won’t regret it if he does.

 

“so what’s-”

 

“weren’t you-”

 

“sorry you can go first-”

 

“i was going to ask if your leg is okay.” the black haired boy says bashfully, and yuto’s heart warms slightly at the thought of the other worried for him despite only knowing him for 3 minutes.

 

“it’s healed.” yuto smiles, “it was only a sprained ankle, just needed to wear a boot for a few days. you seemed more beat up than me anyways.”

 

“oh that’s nothing.” he rolls his eyes, shrugging his flannel down to expose the bandaging on his left side.“some kid in organic chemistry blew up a whole beaker because he wasn’t paying attention and guess who was lucky enough to be his partner?”

 

“it looked like it really hurt.” yuto bites his lip, unable to tell if kirby boy is always so cool and calm about everything or just downplaying the severity of his own injury.

 

“aw were you worried about little ol’ me?” he bats his eyelashes, hands clasped under his chin, trying his best to look coy and demure. yuto thinks he doesn’t have to try too hard.

 

“maybe, maybe not.” yuto shrugs, acting nonchalant and that’s one thing he’s actually good at.

 

cheeks still poofed up with food he smiles like he can see right through the act but doesn’t mind letting yuto have his fun. when he swallows and opens his mouth to speak again, he’s cut off by a hand coming to rest on his right shoulder.

 

it’s a tall kid with white blonde hair, thin rimmed glasses sitting against his nose and he looks so much like a model that yuto’s a little envious. he just taps kirby boy on the shoulder and he starts to rise, stuffing his nintendo switch and pencil case in the other’s hands to carry. he crams the last little bit of crust into his mouth and grins, waving goodbye aggressively until yuto waves back.

 

he isn’t expecting him to reenter thirty seconds later, pointing to himself, “i’m hyunggu.” he introduces, grabbing yuto’s hand to make him shake his own. “thanks for letting me sit here with you.”

 

“o-oh.” he stutters out, brain blanking, getting a small chuckle for his troubles. “no problem.”

 

“i’ll see you around!”

 

yuto sure hopes so.

 

________

 

turns out kirby boy’s full name is kang hyunggu, his friends call him ‘kino’ and he does hip hop dance workshops on wednesdays and thursdays. yuto only knows because shinwon’s new friend hui’s best friend dances with him. and if he peeks into room 36b to watch hyunggu twirl around with that wide smile on his face no one else has to know.

 

when wooseok drags yuto to gamestop with him, giddy with payday cash in his pockets, looking for something new to play, he bites his tongue to avoid suggesting kirby. so wooseok leaves with some zombie apocalypse computer game instead. yuto sits on the younger’s bed and watches him play for hours until they both pass out, sleepy and sticky from eating too many sweets.

 

________

 

wooseok drags yuto to a lot of places. he widens his doe eyes and whines until it’s impossible for the other to say no, using his cuteness to get what he wants. it doesn’t help that yuto has an adamant protective instinct when it comes to the younger despite them less than a week apart in age.

 

wooseok is soft like whipped cream and fluffy pillows, too nice, too giving, _always_. when they first met he was getting taken advantage of, used by shitty people with shitty motives and hadn’t even realized. yuto would honestly rather die than see that happen again. yuto feels like he’s given up so much of himself that he needs to be given something back. so he settles for being pulled along by his overgrown puppy of a best friend, to play football, to go game shopping, and to parties. he doesn’t mind.

 

the house is already half full when they arrive, but it isn’t chaotic or rowdy like house parties yuto’s seen on tv. whoever is throwing the get-together is going for a more chill, lucid vibe. r&b is blasting from two tall speakers, sparkling string lights lining the staircase and doorways. people are playing card games, taking shots when they lose a round, others in the corner drawing colorful dicks on the giant whiteboard hanging there. all in all it isn’t the worst place yuto could be spending his friday night.

 

“wooseok!” a loud voice cuts through the music, hui smiling with his eyes where he’s tucked under shinwon’s arm, waving them over ardently. and yuto can almost feel the deep breath the other takes before he’s stepping forward, pulling yuto along.

 

there are drinks being poured and slid across the counter before yuto even opens his mouth to say hello.

 

“wooseok told me you guys like rum.” a slightly shorter boy grins, hair golden blonde and wavy, brown roots peeking out like flower buds.

 

“we like any alcohol as long as it doesn’t taste like nail polish remover.” yuto hums back, picking the cup up and taking a sip, sighing happily at the burn as it slides down his throat.

 

they normally don’t drink a lot though yuto’s tolerance is high enough, it takes him about 6 shots and 3 beers to be way over tipsy. but wooseok is on the lower end of the spectrum, and he always ends up having to take care of the younger male when he gets sloppy. yuto likes being buzzed but not obliterated because the tumbly feeling he gets in his stomach when he is makes him feel all icky on the inside. wooseok doesn’t mind at all, this yuto knows from holding his hair back and pinching his own nose as he throws up into the toilet.

 

“i’m hyojong.” drink pourer introduces himself, sipping from a cup that reads ‘dumb bitch#1’. yuto wonders who #2 is. he’s covered in tattoos, a full sleeve on one arm, eyebrow piercing shining and yuto thinks for a second that he’s the coolest looking person he’s ever seen in his life. “my girlfriend and i threw this party.”

 

he spreads his arms out in a gesture of ‘look at my humble abode’. “we share this house with a few other students, figured it would a lot more fun than dorming.”

 

yuto’s sips turn into small gulps until his cup is empty, setting it down on the marble. “yeah you can’t really do this in a dorm.” he chuckles awkwardly, his default laugh, one eye on hyojong, the other glancing at wooseok taking shots a few feet away. the r&b has a steady thump, a swaying rhythm that relaxes him further as the alcohol starts it’s slow burn through his stomach. hyojong refills both of their glasses, tongue poked out in concentration, another shiny piercing glinting under the kitchen lights.

 

“tell me about it.” hyojong moves his hand in a ‘follow me’ motion and he finds himself following, knowing wooseok’s in good hands. there’s something pleasing about being interesting enough that hyojong, the coolest guy he’s ever seen, wants to continue their conversation. “someone ratted on my friends and they got caught with a whole case of soju in their dorm so now they all live here.”

 

“wanna see something really cool?” like that, a large window is being opened, hyojong crawling through to the other side and when yuto pokes his head out there’s a balcony complete with a gorgeous view.

 

the skyline is dazzling, tall buildings like towers reflecting off of the water below, painting the lake purple. there’s almost a shift in atmosphere out on the balcony, something potent and tranquil, like finding a little clearing in the midst of the woods, an empty room in a school full of people.

 

there are milk crates for makeshift chairs and he plops down on one, joining the three other people already inhabiting the space and a giggle sounds out that he wouldn’t miss anywhere.

 

“kirby boy?” the nickname leaves his mouth in a rush and if anyone asks he’ll blame it on the jack.

 

“yuto?” hyunggu says back, smoke pouring out of his mouth along with the words and that shouldn’t be as attractive as it is. and then he’s up, placing himself on the crate right next to yuto’s, so close he can smell his perfume.

 

he’s wearing pretty pink makeup, glitter speckled across his eyelids, shining under the fairy lights lining the balcony. his lips are glossy, and his eyeliner flicks across in a perfect wing. he wonders how long it took him to perfect that.

 

“you know my name?” he sounds as shocked as he feels, shaky hands trying not to drop the joint when hyunggu passes it, inhaling deeply so he doesn’t saying anything else embarrassing.

 

he holds back little coughs as he passes it to hyojong, who seems preoccupied with snuggling deep into the fabric of his girlfriend’s tube top, smoothly grabbing the joint without even looking.

 

“of course!” hyunggu laughs again, his whole body moving with it, and he smells of fruity alcohol, weed, and a hint of something like vanilla. “well i didn’t at first but i asked my friends if they knew you, my roommate yanan has graphic design with you in the mornings.”

 

“you want some?” the dancer offers, shaking a bottle of pink wine in front of his face that he’s clearly just been sipping throughout the night. “i promise it’s not poison. i usually bring my own stuff because i don’t like the bitter shit hyojong buys.”

 

“sure.”yuto finds himself saying, taking a swig and it goes down so easily. his cheeks heat up just the slightest bit when hyunggu grabs the bottle back, placing his lips right where yuto’s were. it’s a silly thing to get flustered over an indirect kiss when they’re all passing a blunt back and forth but it makes him blush anyway.

 

“you called me kirby boy.” hyunggu laughs that sweet little laugh of his, high pitched and raw, like he doesn’t care who’s listening.

 

“well i didn’t know what else to call you that day i saw you at the nurses’.” yuto is definitely blushing now, embarrassed at his slip of the tongue when all that’s been running through his mind since that day at the caf has been ‘hyunggu’. he likes it better than kirby boy anyway, it’s a pretty name, he decides.

 

“i like it.” hyunggu grins, leaning back as he blows out more smoke, looking so relaxed it makes yuto slouch a bit, less stiff, less trying to impress. “‘s cute.”

 

hyunggu’s easy to talk to, all big gooey smiles and bright eyes, and it never seems like he’s judging. even when yuto stumbles over his words, whispering little apologies in between he just beams, encouraging him to keep going. it’s easy, like catching up with an old friend. before yuto knows it, an hour passes, and they’re the only ones on the balcony everyone else trickling out as the joints finished, to get more beer, to take a bathroom break.

 

“do you know what sonder is?” hyunggu hums in between the passing of the bottle, popping his tongue at the tart taste of the wine. it’s more than halfway empty and yuto likes the idea that maybe they’ll sit and talk for so long that they’ll finish it all.

 

“nope.” he pops the ‘p’, instantly regrets it, feels like a loser and presses the perspiration of the cold bottle against his warming cheeks.

 

“it’s the realization that every random passerby has their own story.” hyunggu starts, cheeks upturning as he speaks, eyes smiling like little crescent moons. “that every person you walk by on the street has their own life just as vivid and complex as your own. their own families, friends, goals in life, routines, worries, inner demons...that each person you see while you’re walking to class is plagued by something, they have their own sad sob story or they’re extremely happy about the little joys of their own life.”

 

he looks at yuto and his eyes are a little red but still clear, meaning every single word. “i’ve been thinking about sonder a lot lately. about how many people i see every day that are smiling because they have to. how many people are hurting on the inside and i’ll never know how much.”

 

“and i know it’s none of my business,” he shrugs, wiping wine from his chin with an oversized sleeve. “and that i couldn’t do much to help them even if i knew. but i remember last year walking around hating everything including myself, subconsciously wishing someone would just tap me on the shoulder and say, ‘are you okay?’ that somebody somewhere cared about my life more than just being the constant passerby. the extra who doesn’t even get a line on the tv show. being the guy you see on the street and never talk to again.”

 

he takes a deep breath and nudges yuto’s shoulder, “the guy you see in the nurse’s office and forget about two weeks later.”

 

“how could i forget you, kirby boy?” yuto whispers back, and he may be a little tipsy now, a little high too. and the view is gorgeous, the buildings lit with hundreds of small white lights, like lanterns that were set free but didn’t roam too far. hyunggu is gorgeous too. “kang kino, the best dancer on campus.”

 

he looks the way marshmallow tastes, soft and melty, but the lines of his face are sharp, black hair combed neatly across his forehead. hyunggu’s like a s’more he thinks and then takes it back, it sounds too weird in his head. when the dancer stretches there’s a peek of ink on his hip bone and yuto wants to run his fingers across it. he takes another sip.

 

“hyojong’s the best dancer on campus.” hyunggu rolls his eyes and then giggles, a short little sound like he’s trying to stifle it. “i’ll take 2nd place.”

 

“don’t sell yourself short, i’ve heard good things.” yuto nudges him the way hyunggu did earlier, but with too much strength, body heavy with the added alcohol.

 

hyunggu almost falls off of his milkcrate, tipping to the side and yuto wraps an arm around his waist without thinking, pulls him back in. they sit like that for a few seconds, yuto too awkward to move his arm now that time has passed, doesn’t want to draw attention to it. hyunggu just scoots closer, their shoulders brushing every time he wiggles his butt on the make-do stools.

 

“will you come see me dance sometime?”

 

“anytime you want.” yuto nods, maybe too eagerly, but he wants hyunggu to know that he cares. that he wants to see him dance, would feel honored to be allowed in the room while they practice.

 

“you’re too nice, adachi yuto.” hyunggu smiles and kisses his cheek sloppily, lips pink and pretty, his last bit of lip gloss lingering there.

 

later that night when wooseok’s on the toilet, half asleep with a toothbrush in his mouth while yuto brushes his own in the mirror, he sees a glint of the shiny gloss. he spits the froth into the sink, he’s getting ready for bed, he should wash his face, wipe the sticky substance off. he doesn’t, places his toothbrush back in the cup and hauls wooseok’s drunk figure up, steering him towards his mattress.

 

wooseok goes down like a rock, falls asleep almost immediately after whispering a sad, “i kissed shinwon hyung tonight.” and yuto lays next to him, lets him cuddle close, all clingy and pliant, snoring already.

 

they’ll talk about it in the morning.

 

________

 

in the morning, wooseok’s quiet. he stares into his bowl of frosted flakes that yuto’s sure have already gone soggy, face stuck in a little frown. his eyes look glazed over, like he’s so caught up in his own thoughts that he can’t see what’s in front of him, like he forgot how to blink.

 

when yuto’s spoon clicks against the edge of his own bowl, he finally sits up, looking into yuto’s eyes for the first time that day.

 

“i only remember bits and pieces of last night,” wooseok sighs, pushing the drowned cereal around to keep his hands busy. “i wish i didn’t honestly.”

 

“so you remember kissing shinwon hyung?” it comes out of yuto’s mouth too fast, as he shovels honey nut cheerios in, wincing afterwards. sometimes yuto just talks without thinking, blurts things out because he doesn’t know what else to say. wooseok has always loved that about him though, his honesty.

 

“yeah.” is all he says, bringing the bowl to his face to drink the milk, forgetting about the cereal completely. a little bit dribbles down his chin when he sets it back down. “i don’t regret it.”

 

he says it with conviction, eyes only slightly sad. he means it, yuto can tell, can tell that the kiss was worth it to him, no matter what the outcome had been.

 

“i wish i would’ve been sober for it though,” wooseok chuckles weakly, “i’m probably never gonna get that chance again, i should’ve at least been able to make it good.”

 

when they’re taking care of the dishes, yuto washing, wooseok drying, the taller boy whispers, “i think i bit his lip really hard by accident.”

 

they giggle, loud and obnoxious, because wooseok’s allowing it to be funny, not wallowing in the ache of the moment. he’s slapping a bandaid over it and moving on like he always does. yuto doesn’t push, because he’s knows if wooseok wants to talk about it, they will and if he doesn’t they won’t. wooseok can handle these things on his own now, stronger than he was four years ago.

 

yuto still wants to know what shinwon said after the kiss. if he had pushed the younger away or if he had screamed in his face in disbelief. how their friend group is gonna interact after this, if shinwon will just let it go, if they’ll collectively pretend it never happened. he bites his tongue and finishes scrubbing the last cup clean, popping a bubble that floats up from the leftover suds.

 

________

 

yuto eats lunch alone again on monday because wooseok’s hiding out somewhere, avoiding shinwon at all costs. he and hui aren’t in the cafeteria anyways, probably being cheesy in the library, graphic novel section, the only books shinwon will ever read.  

 

two hands come and cover his eyes and he shouldn’t know who it is immediately but he does.

 

“guess who?” comes a gentle coo and the hands on his face smell like scented lotion, a hint of lavender and vanilla.

 

“kevin james from paul blart: mall cop.” he teases, getting a small push to his shoulder in response.

 

“kang kino!” the dancer sticks out his tongue, sticking a small tupperware container in his face. yuto takes it without hesitation even though he has no clue what it is.

 

“me and my mom made cookies for the charity bake sale.”hyunggu shrugs, looks away, like he’s trying to act casual, “i remember you telling me you really like snickerdoodles so i saved you some.”

 

yuto kind of just stares at the red plastic top, in awe for a few reasons. one being that they were 75% into a bottle of wine when they somehow ended up on the topic of cookies, so drunk hyunggu had cared enough about that tiny bit of information to remember the next day. and sober hyunggu cared enough to set aside some for yuto, to give to him even though yuto wasn’t sure if why. or what he had done to deserve them.  

 

“thank you.” he means to say it as genuinely as possible, but it comes out in a shocked little whisper.  

 

“they’re just cookies, nothing special.” hyunggu sits across from him, his nintendo switch in his other hand, open to the mario kart menu screen. “i kind of brought them as a bribe for you to come watch me dance.”

 

“you didn’t have to bribe me.” yuto pops the top off, sticking half of a cookie in his mouth and moans, rather indecently in the middle of the caf. “fuck, these are so good. what’s in these?”

 

hyunggu’s...blushing? a little when he looks up, sticking his face as close to his game console as possible. “it’s my grandma’s recipe, i’d tell you but i’d have to kill you.”

 

yuto shoves another cookie into his mouth, humming happily, “i guess my time has come. i hope you have a eulogy prepared.”

 

room 36b is bigger than yuto thought it would be, with mirrors on both sides and bright fluorescent lights. it makes the highlight on hyunggu’s cheeks shine like liquid gold, like he’s been dipped in glaze.

 

“hyojong ditched me to like,,,fuck his girlfriend above the swimming pool or something,” hyunggu explains, slightly pouty, “and hyunjin made up some excuse about being sick so it’s just us.”

 

“i can teach you!” his eyes light up, and he starts dragging yuto to the center of the room, “do you dance?”

 

“not really?” he stands there awkwardly as the other boy fiddles with the stereo, upbeat hip hop blasting through. “i definitely have a sense of rhythm, i just don’t know if i’m any good.”

 

“let’s find out then.”

 

they spend the next 20 minutes looking into the mirrors, hyunggu teaching him some simple dances that he uses for the beginners class. once yuto gets into the groove, it’s actually quite fun and everytime the song starts over he gets more excited, bouncing on the tip of his toes.

 

he’s not as bad as he thought he would be, making little mistakes here and there that hyunggu corrects with a gentle touch. he stands behind him, hands pulling his hips in the right direction, guiding the motions. he’s half a head shorter than yuto, breath fluttering across the bare skin of his neck when he gets too close. he feels tons of tiny goosebumps start to appear and pushes down the soft sigh threatening to break free.

 

yuto takes a little break in between, his stamina in no way a match for hyunggu’s, sitting with his back against the wall as he catches his breath. hyunggu doesn’t stop he just starts freestyling, moving so fluidly if yuto didn’t know any better he’d think it was choreography. there’s one move where hyunggu body rolls on his knees, his shirt lifting a little with the movement and yuto gulps, feeling too hot all of a sudden.

 

they make eye contact in the mirror as hyunggu twists himself up gracefully, the muscles in his thighs tensing, distracting in his tight gray sweatpants. hyunggu doesn’t look away so yuto forces himself to do the same, not even blinking. scared he’ll miss something. there’s a ghost of a smirk playing on the dancer’s lips as he pops his hips in a little thrust and yuto’s eyes widen, breaking the gaze with a little gasp.

 

when he looks again hyunggu’s smiling, sweat dripping down his face in small rivulets, and there’s this look in his eyes. a smug one, all satisfied, the way he looks right after he beats another level in kirby. yuto can’t help smiling back and takes the other’s hand when he offers it, getting twirled around immediately. they spin around each other, personal space an afterthought, hyunggu looking up at him under his lashes and he tries not think about how much his eyes look like milk chocolate up close.

 

hyunggu orders a pizza to the dance studio and they watch the last airbender on his laptop, finishing 6 slices between the two of them. hyunggu keeps glancing at him out of the corner of his eye and yuto pretends not to notice, shoving another breadstick into his mouth. the dancer looks nervous, fidgeting against the hardwood, not at all paying any mind as azula and zuko duke it out.

 

“you okay?” yuto tilts his head, pointing to the screen, “this is like the best fight scene and you’re missing it.”

 

“i’ve seen this series 6 times already,” yuto gives an expression that screams ‘so?’ and he can’t help but laugh. “i actually wanted to ask you something.”

 

“...okay.” yuto blinks, twisting from where he’s sprawled on the floor to face hyunggu, looking directly at him to let him know he has his full attention.

 

hyunggu runs a hand through his messy black hair, chewing at his bottom lip and yuto unconsciously runs his tongue across his own. after dancing his ass off and sweating bullets, the dancer still looks great, glowing almost. it’s infuriating.

 

“you’re best friends with wooseok right? ”

 

yuto nods, eyebrows furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. “yeah i’ve known him since high school. he’s always been that tall believe it or not-”

 

“can you give him my number?” hyunggu squeaks sheepishly, round cheeks turning redder as he does so. “i really wanted to last week when i heard he was coming to hyojong’s party but i chickened out.”

 

the room goes silent for a few seconds, because that’s what it takes to knock yuto out of his stupor, just blinking at hyunggu like he’s speaking gibberish. his stomach drops, not like a rush of adrenaline when you’re on a rollercoaster going 100 miles per hour. it’s a sinking feeling, like remembering something bitter or running into someone on the street that you’re terrified of seeing.

 

he suddenly wants to hide, to take back the past three episodes that they’ve watched, to throw up the pizza churning in his stomach. he feels stupid, and he doesn’t quite understand why.

 

hyunggu’s face drops, “oh no, is he straight? i didn’t mean to assume-”

 

“he’s gay.” yuto blurts, “really gay.” because that’s all his brain can manage. he scrambles up, pulling a pen out of his bag, and a stack of sticky notes used for his morning english class. he writes out wooseok’s number (of course he knows it by heart), and pushes it into hyunggu’s hands, almost crumpling it in the process.

 

“i have to go.” he mumbles, pretending to look at the clock, “i’m gonna be late for work.” yuto doesn’t have to clock in until 7 but he doesn’t care about lying, he just wants to get out.

 

he crashes into some tiny freshman on his way out and their papers slip, fluttering through the corridor. he whispers an apology and continues walking, pass the doors and out, not realizing it’s raining until his shirt is soaked through, wet hair dripping on his forehead.

 

________

 

it’s nearing halloween, yuto’s favorite holiday and he can feel the excitement bubbling up as the days get closer and closer. there is a shift in the air once october starts, something so calm and welcoming yet mysterious at the same time. yuto loves halloween, there’s always discount candy, spooky movie marathons on abc, and decorations lining every balcony on campus.

 

his mouth is full of twizzlers when wooseok enters his dorm, and he almost chokes when hyunggu steps in behind him.

 

“sorry to interupt your…” wooseok looks at the pile of candy on his desk and prisoner of azkaban flickering from the projector onto the wall. “little soiree but i left my keys here.”

 

yuto points to the table and the microwave on top of it, remembering that the lanyard had been forgotten there in favor of spicy ramen. hyunggu just stands close to the door, waving at yuto when he looks over and he attempts to wave back, more of a wiggle of his fingers than anything else.

 

“we’re going to see the new marvel movie that’s out,” wooseok starts and yuto feels bad for thinking it but he immediately wants him to shut up. “do you wanna come with?” it’s a nice offer but yuto swears he can hear what’s underneath it, _a plea of please say no, please stay home._ he acts like he doesn’t notice the subtle eye contact between the two of them and shakes his head in response.

 

“i’m good!” yuto smiles without teeth, just a small press of his lips together, “i can just watch it illegally anyway.”

 

“criminal.” wooseok snorts and comes closer to kiss his forehead with a loud smack! giggling afterwards.

 

when the door shuts behind them, he lets out a sigh of relief, sinking deep into the couch cushions. he puts a pillow over his face and screams into it but it does nothing for the frustration that he feels building. doesn’t even know why he’s frustrated in the first place.

 

he does the only thing he can think of that will make him feel better or distract him in some way. he calls shinwon.

 

________

 

yuto doesn’t remember how many drinks he’s had, lost count after the fourth, stopped caring when he realized they were all free anyways. yuto forgets about the icky feeling in his stomach and focuses on not feeling anything at all. 

 

hongseok, the football team’s token gay linebacker throws small parties each weekend before the 31st, a kick off to carnival day. he picks a theme out of a hat and as long as you come dressed accordingly, you get free alcohol.

 

when he called shinwon, the older man and hui had been getting dressed. and now he’s on some stranger’s couch, in a policeman’s hat and suspenders, shirt having been discarded an hour prior. he feels like a stripper rented for a bachelorette party, looking down at the body glitter a senior in a tiny nurse costume had put on his chest.

 

he’s too drunk to care about the couple making out a few inches from his right, or where shinwon and hui disappeared to. someone pulls him up to dance and he lets them, swaying in their hold. he tries his best to keep up, copying their movements, it’s sloppy but his dancing partner is laughing by his ear so he must be doing something right.

 

it's fun but only for a moment, yuto likes dancing just not with this person, they're all up in his space, whispering things into his ear that his drunk brain can't decipher. and he hadn't realized how drunk he was until he stood up. 

 

he also doesn’t realize that their hands are venturing lower and lower, that they are getting closer and closer until there’s heavy breathing on his neck, making him jump in surprise.

 

“relax.” they coo but he can’t, stiff as a board as they roll their hips against his and all he can smell is tequila and cigarettes. when those hands grab his ass and pull him in, he gasps, turning his head as they start to lick across his collarbones, tongue slimy and wet, and he’s never felt more uncomfortable in his life.

 

“s-stop.” he stutters out, trembling in their hold, and it’s like he’s a deer in headlights. his whole body is shutting down in fear and it’s like he can’t move, can’t even create some distance between them. the alcohol doesn’t help either, his mind is hazy, confused but he knows for a fact that he doesn’t want _this._

 

“why baby?” they flick one of the rosy buds on his chest, chuckling low in their throat. “if you don’t want it then why are your nipples hard?”

 

“don’t play with my feelings, honey.” they’re still kissing him, voice saccharine and sweet against his skin but their touch burns and yuto wants them off off off.

 

there are tears welling up in his eyes, body shaking harder like he’s going to fall apart in their grasp and he feels embarrassed. and he’s mad that he’s embarrassed because it isn’t his fault but he doesn’t want anyone to see him like this.

 

“stop!” he tries to say louder but his voice has lost all volume, getting lost in the sounds of the party, hidden underneath the loud thump of the music, and cheering of the crowd.

 

it’s like they’re under his skin, their touch penetrating and he feels so dirty, so used. he wants to scream at the top of his lungs (get off! don’t ever touch me again!) but only a croak leaves him and that’s when the tears start to fall.

 

“he said stop.” a soft voice cuts through the racket surrounding them, a hand pulling yuto’s elbow until they’re detangled. he looks up through his watery lashes, seeing a head of blonde hair, silver rimmed glasses. he’s hyunggu’s roommate, yuto recognizes, the one that looks like a model and he’s never been happier to see anyone in his life.

 

the next five minutes pass at a tortoise’s pace, like he’s having an out of body experience and is watching everything go down from across the room. the creepy person he was dancing with refuses to take the hint, even attempting to pull yuto back to them as if he isn’t still crying, cheeks red, sniffling into the blonde’s shoulder. yanan snaps, holding onto yuto with one hand, the other moving so fast he can barely see it. it’s only when they’re moving through the crowd and out of the door that he realizes yanan threw a hit to the creepy guy’s jugular, cutting him off in one smooth move.

 

when the air hits him, he takes a deep breath and immediately regrets it, bending over to puke his brains out onto the sidewalk. he’s crying and throwing up at the same time, sobbing when he’s finally finished. yanan passes him a water bottle without a word, rubbing his back.

 

halloween is no longer his favorite holiday, he decides.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_________

  
  
  


when yuto wakes up, all he sees is blue. the ceiling above him is swirling with purples, light lavender and cerulean, the galaxy in glossed over acrylic. 

 

he sighs deeply, just staring up and up for a while, trying to block out the pounding in his head. but the taste in his mouth is horrid, like he can still taste the tequila, like it wants to come back up. 

 

he doesn’t know exactly where he is, just remembers yanan holding him up, wiping his mouth off even as his face flickered with disgust. the older man had taken yuto back to his apartment, helped him clean up and gave him a t-shirt to wear because his shaky hands had spilled cold water all over himself. 

 

there’s a rush of emotions going through him that he can’t explain, something like confusion, sadness and gratitude all at once. and this underlying feeling of disgust when the memories start to resurface and hit him like a freight train, rubbing at his chest where those dirty hands had been. 

 

it’s like he can still feel them there, touching him where they’re not supposed to, touching him even though he had already said stop. his stomach lurches just as the bedroom door opens and he rushes out past hyunggu who’s standing there, wide-eyed to see yuto in his room, on his bed, right to the bathroom. 

 

he doesn’t have time to close the door so he’s sure the whole apartment can hear it as he throws up again, slumped over the toilet bowl. he finds some new appreciation for himself just sitting there on the tiles, face red, knowing how many times he’s had to watch wooseok do the same, patting his back all the while. 

 

yanan helps him up when he’s done, letting him take his time as he gargles mouthwash and spits it into the sink. he leads him into the kitchen and for a second yuto forgets that hyunggu is even there. 

 

“i made waffles.” yanan hums, “but after that i’m not sure if you want to eat anything.” 

 

it’s only then that he smells the scent of cinnamon and sugary dough floating in the air, a hint of something like hazelnut creamer, a fresh pot of coffee on the stove. yanan reaches a large hand out to steady him as he sways, leaning heavily against the blonde’s shoulder as he does so. 

 

“how much did i even drink last night?” he mumbles into the other’s sweater, it’s big, red and made of the softest material yuto’s ever felt so it takes him a few seconds to let go. 

 

“i have no clue,” yanan just chuckles and settles him down at the table where he can see plates of the crisp batter cake, fresh cut fruit in a bowl beside it. 

 

the hospitality yanan is showing makes him feel all warm inside, especially because he knows yanan didn’t have to go the extra mile and make him breakfast. warm just knowing yanan was nice enough to let him stay.  _ that he didn’t take advantage of his vulnerability _ , the dark voice at the back of his mind thinks, louder than ever after last night’s events. 

 

hyunggu and yanan’s apartment is lovely, it’s small but still big enough for two people, decorated in pastel colors, pretty artwork hung on the walls. there’s bold pop art and collages and splashes of watercolor and if he squints he can see the small initials ‘yn’ in the corners of each canvas. 

 

in his sober mind he remembers yanan telling him hyunggu’s dad bought the place for them with his rich people money when he had drunkenly asked. yuto’s a tiny bit jealous but at the same time he loves how small his dorm is, like it’s made just for him. 

 

“obviously too much since i ended up here.” he slumps into the chair like he wants to disappear when hyunggu enters the kitchen, glowing under the white lights.  

 

his hair is messy, like he’s been tossing and turning all night, a frown on his lips. his pretty brown eyes land on yuto and linger, face skewed like he’s trying to figure him out. he’s probably wondering why yuto’s even in his apartment, more importantly his bed. 

 

yuto wants to open his mouth and explain himself, apologize for intruding when hyunggu sits down in the chair directly in front of him. the light blue hoodie wrapped around the dancer’s frame is two sizes too big, comfy like it’s been properly worn in, thrown in the washer over and over again. 

 

he would recognize it anywhere. 

 

there’s a logo smack dab in the center of his favorite baseball team back home in japan, a stain of black ink on the right sleeve that never washed out. 

 

he remembers coming home one night to wooseok crying on his porch, spilling his heart out to yuto for 2 hours straight. they were so young then, highschool students, baby faced and angry that the world was unfair, upset about the smallest of things. 

 

yuto had made sure wooseok knew that his feelings were valid, no matter how tiny they were, how miniscule they seemed. it had started to rain and it was getting close to the younger boy’s curfew so yuto had hurriedly shrugged the hoodie off, pushing it into his hands. 

 

wooseok never gave it back and yuto never asked, just saw him wearing it while studying or eating or playing call of duty. it seemed like it gave wooseok some kind of comfort. and unknowingly it became special to them. 

 

seeing it now on hyunggu felt wrong, there was something so off about it and his stomach churned with a foreign feeling. sitting there, he couldn’t think of any reason why the dancer would need to wear it. if it had been cold and the hyunggu needed a jacket, why would wooseok give him  _ that _ one? the one that means so much to them both? 

 

and maybe yuto is overreacting, over analyzing the situation the way he does with pretty much everything else. but the bitter feeling in his chest refuses to leave and he can’t stop the way his lips curl down into an unsettled frown. 

 

yanan sets a cup of hot tea next to his plate and he jumps slightly, snapping out of his thoughts. 

 

“thank you.” he mumbles, busying himself with pouring in honey and sugar, staring into the mug as he stirs, avoiding hyunggu’s eyes. 

 

he eats a waffle even though he’s not sure if he can hold it down, but he doesn’t want to waste yanan’s hard work. it tastes absolutely delicious, cinnamon sugar and glaze popping on his tongue and he thinks it’ll be worth it if he ends up puking it all up anyways. 

 

“did you sleep well, yuto?” hyunggu finally speaks, cutting into his own breakfast, drizzling copious amounts of maple syrup. “i hope my bed was comfy enough.”

 

it takes a few seconds to register that hyunggu isn’t being sarcastic but genuine, that he really wants to know if yuto slept peacefully or not, doesn’t need an explanation for why he’s here. yuto doesn’t know why he expected anything less. 

 

“y-yeah it was, thank you.” he murmurs softly, biting into a strawberry when yanan offers it, a dribble of red juices rolling down his chin. 

 

hyunggu giggles when he notices, a light chiming sound sweeter than the fruit he’s swallowing. he leans forward and wipes it off with a napkin, tilting yuto’s face up with a gentle grab at his jaw and he holds back the shudder that threatens to wrack through him. 

 

it’s unfair, yuto thinks, when his cheeks flood with color, hands shaking at the close contact. 

 

hyunggu pulls the hood of the sweatshirt down with a disgruntled huff when he almost gets syrup on it in an attempt to cram half of a waffle in his mouth. yanan just chuckles softly at him, standing to pour himself his second cup of coffee. 

 

yuto’s too distracted to laugh, hands steady again, holding his fork in a vice grip. there on hyunggu’s bare neck are two bruises, the color of sangria and jam, teeth marks clearly indented. the hickeys are blooming on his pale flesh, taunting yuto the longer he looks. 

 

it’s like hyunggu subconsciously knows they’re exposed and pulls the collar of the hoodie up,  _ his  _ hoodie up, and in that moment yuto remembers the tag. the laundry tag on the very back of it, his name written on it in sharpie by his mom, in japanese characters, just in case it had gotten lost. 

 

he knows then that he has to get out. 

 

he thanks them both for letting him stay, haphazardly cleans up his mess even as yanan waves him off, and says goodbye a good fifteen times before the door actually slams shut behind him. his dorm is only a few blocks away so he walks, shivering when a gust of frigid wind hits him. 

 

everything about this is so unfair. 

 

__________

 

yuto stays on the low for a week, caught up in his own thoughts and trying to write a 12 page paper at the same time. by the time he finishes he can’t remember what the essay was even about. 

the first two nights he has vivid nightmares, the second one more chilling than the first.

it’s dark and eerie in both and yuto can’t see anything, can only feel. hands, hundreds of them are sliding all over his body, pulling him down. he screams and screams for them to stop, until his throat is raw, until only a peep escapes. he shouts for them to let go but they don’t, they just keep yanking him until the ground underneath him opens up and swallows him, cries and all. 

it feels so real that he wakes up in a cold sweat, breath heavy and rough, too scared to go back to sleep. one of yuto’s biggest fears is being buried alive and the dreams feel too much like that. like suffocating. 

he doesn’t answer his phone.

wooseok sends him memes and tags him in posts on twitter that he thinks yuto will like and he never responds. doesn’t feel like it, and it’s the first time in a long time that yuto wants to be alone, and alone applies to his best friend too. 

shinwon texts him and asks him what happened at the party, why he left early and he doesn’t even open it. it’s not that he blames the older for what happened, he can’t really blame anyone but the person who did the real damage. 

but deep in the back of his mind he knows that if shinwon had stayed with him none of that would’ve happened, that it might have been avoidable. and if he admits that he also has to admit that he should have never gotten so drunk in the first place, that he shouldn’t have been using alcohol to make himself feel better. too caught up in a situation that even he doesn’t understand, using shots to make things feel alright. 

but that just makes him angry, because then it’s like he’s blaming himself. and he doesn’t deserve that, he didn’t deserve any of what happened to him. it’s just a hard pill to swallow. 

yuto orders a buffalo chicken pizza and eats 6 slices all by himself, reruns of hey arnold casted onto the wall via his projector. he locks the door up tight, curls up in bed and even under two blankets he still feels cold. 

his dorm is something like an icebox once the weather starts to change. there’s a shitty heating system and during the winter he has to wear a jacket, a hoodie, 2 pairs of pants and 3 pairs of socks just to get by. thankfully it’s only slightly chilly, normal fall weather and the food in his belly has warmed him up significantly. 

he lays there for a while, not even watching the cartoon, only seeing the lights change out of the corner of his eye. there’s that frustration building under his skin again and he has no clue where it’s coming from. he just wants it to stop. 

he doesn’t want to be angry, he doesn’t want to be sad, he doesn’t want to feel much of anything honestly. he sighs, shutting his eyes tightly because that’s the same way he felt the night of the party. wanting to be void of all emotion. 

numbness is not an easy thing to acquire he realizes. maybe he feels way too much to ever get there and maybe feeling nothing isn’t the solution, feeling less is. 

__________

 

 

class is boring, his teacher drones on and on and it’s hard to care about anything that she says when it’s all monotone. the lecture ends eventually though it feels like it goes on forever and yuto’s the first one out of the room, tripping over himself in haste. 

“yuto…” a soft voice coos from behind him and he casts a look over his shoulder, eyes squinting in confusion. 

“if i didn’t know any better i’d be a little scared.” yanan sidles up to him and wraps an arm around his shoulders. “your resting bitch face is intense.” 

“it’s the eyebrows.” yuto waggles them, relaxing into the embrace, quite happy to see the blond boy. yanan has somewhat of a calming aura, an energy around him that makes other people slump their rigid postures and forget what was bothering them in the first place. 

yanan treats yuto with gentleness, not like he’s fragile or like he’ll break but like he knows it’s what yuto needs. he doesn’t push yuto to talk too much if he doesn’t want to, fills in the silence with his own little stories that make the younger laugh until his sides hurt. 

he is light with his touches, never uses too much pressure, and it feels almost protective in a way when yanan keeps him close to his side, sharp eyes observing their surroundings. 

yanan is the only one who knows what happened _ that night  _ and that fact in itself makes yuto loosen up around him. he hadn’t even realized until seeing yanan that he had been on edge around everyone else, flinching away from hands that would pass him a paper or waiting for bustling crowds to die down before walking to class. 

it’s almost like yanan is his lifeline. 

they still don’t know each other very well, yuto’s only hyunggu’s friend who threw up everywhere and yanan’s only hyunggu’s roommate who saved yuto from a nasty circumstance. it works for them though, it’s something like friendship, they’re getting there. 

yanan offers to buy him a milkshake and that’s how they end up in a cozy corner booth, whipped cream on both of their faces. they’re talking about the renaissance and then gladiators and then lizard people and it’s all so ridiculous and funny that they’re both almost sobbing in mirth. yuto hasn’t laughed this hard in days it seems like. 

when it all dies down, yanan orders cookies and they hum around chocolate chips and brown sugar, quiet once again. 

“you like hyunggu.” yanan says, still chewing, and it isn’t a question but a statement like he knows this for certain. 

yuto almost chokes, spluttering around the dessert in his mouth and yanan reaches over to pat his back, making sure he doesn’t die. what a way to go, with a cookie lodged in his throat, surrounding by loud college students eating their way through the semester. 

“i what now?” he asks when he can breathe again, sipping the rest of his milkshake down in one go. he gets brain freeze but that’s okay. 

“you like hyunggu.” yanan deadpans, leaning back in his seat, long legs spreading until their knees are pressed together under the table. “i’m sorry, were you trying to be subtle about it?”

yuto just stares blankly, the way he does when he can’t figure an equation out, the way he does when wooseok suggests something batshit crazy for their weekend plans. he’s just staring for a while, doesn’t know what to say or how the blonde came to such a conclusion. 

“oh you don’t know,” yanan slowly whispers in response to his silence, eyes wide in shock and yuto feels like he should be the astonished one in the situation not the other way around. “i feel bad now.” 

“what do you mean?” yuto opens and closes his mouth like he wants to say something else but can’t find any words that make sense. he just wants some kind of an explanation. 

“i saw the way you were staring at him during breakfast the other day.” yanan mutters, fiddling with his glasses, “it’s that fond, sparkly-eyed puppy dog face that i’ve seen way too many times. and hey, i could be wrong, but you don’t look at me like that.” 

“the way you looked at hyunggu when he entered the room…” he trails off, biting his lip,  “it was like you were nervous and happy and scared all at once. but one thing overpowered all of that and it was this underlying tenderness, like hyunggu could’ve told you to bark or something and you would’ve just to make him smile.” 

yuto goes stiff in his seat, wanting to curl up in the smallest ball possible because he can’t even argue against it. seeing kang hyunggu happy had subconsciously become a priority of his, because hyunggu being happy made yuto happy and for him that was enough. 

even if that meant giving the dancer wooseok’s number, turning a blind eye to the hoodie and the hickeys like they weren’t even there. 

“i don’t blame you.” yanan places a warm hand on top of his, squeezing and letting go. “hyunggu is nice, one of the nicest people i’ve ever met in my life. and he’s sweet and affectionate and just genuinely made up of sugar and spice and everything nice like a fucking powerpuff girl.” 

they both laugh, and yuto tries to relax again but he can’t, his brain going a mile a minute trying to process the information he’s being given.  _ does _ he like hyunggu? he’s never thought of it that way before but all the irritation that’s been welling up inside of him makes sense suddenly. 

why else did he feel like he wanted to die inside when hyunggu asked for wooseok’s number? if anything he should have been happy, ecstatic that wooseok was moving on from shinwon and meeting other people, putting himself out there. 

instead he had felt sour, couldn’t bring himself to be joyful and supportive, hadn’t even read wooseok’s texts that night about how the movie was. he starts to feel bad just thinking about it, like he should've been a better friend. 

“hyunggu’s also oblivious.” yanan sighs like a disappointed father, “he doesn’t pick up on signs. someone could give him a big kiss on the lips and he’d probably think of it as a nice friendly gesture. he’s overly affectionate with all his friends so he doesn’t think much of it when people are all over him. he’s clingy so it doesn’t bother him much either.” 

“he’s a heartbreaker and i don’t think he realizes it.” the blond keeps running his fingers through his hair, until it’s one big messy stressful mop on his forehead. “people get their hopes up just to be shot down a few days later when they see him holding some random dude’s hand or going on a ‘date’ with someone else.” 

“do they ever tell him?” yuto mumbles, staring out of the window to avoid yanan’s eyes, they’re warm and comforting but yuto doesn’t need that right now. he’s still trying to figure out why he would even need consoling in the first place. 

“no.” yanan says simply, “at that point they figure they have no chance and just...give up. but the issue with that is with hyunggu you have to talk to him. you have to be honest, speak up loud and clear and he will hear you out fully, if you don’t…he won’t notice, it won’t even cross his mind.” 

“so what happens when he likes someone?” 

“he gives them the world.” yanan smiles fondly, and it’s loving and soft like cream, “hyunggu doesn’t fall for people easily, he’s gotten hurt too many times. i’ve only seen him in love once and the things he would do to make them happy… all i’m saying is anyone who ends up with him will be very very lucky. and that i’m glad it wasn’t me.” 

yuto’s head snaps over from where he’s gazing out into the street, stores lit up with festive orange lights, carved pumpkins on display. “you had a crush on hyunggu?” 

“of course i did.” yanan snorts, ‘duh’ inflicted in his tone, “we’ve been friends for five years and i was in love with him for two of them. when we met i was this lanky awkward closeted kid and in comes kang kino, gay and proud and beautiful with the cutest smile i’d ever seen. it’d be a crime not to like him just a little bit.” 

yuto’s leaning forward in his seat, the blond boy has his full attention and it feels so good to talk about whatever _ this _ is. the feelings he’s not so sure he’s having, the ones that yanan had. 

for the second time this week yanan’s made him feel like he isn’t so fucking alone, like he can breathe better. holding his head above water. 

“i guess the reason i’m telling you all this is because if you really do like hyunggu you have to deal with the fact that he’s a little dumb when it comes to relationships.” yanan looks pouty suddenly, “you’re a really lovely guy yuto and i just don’t want you to get hurt if hyunggu never wakes up one day and realizes what a absolute catch you are.” 

“it’s okay.” yuto whispers, reaching out to squeeze his hand this time. “i don’t expect him to.” 

__________

 

 

it’s windy on thursday, chilly enough that yuto bundles up in a big bomber jacket, purposely stepping on as many fallen leaves as he can while he walks. the crunchy sound they make is more than satisfying. 

it distracts him on the walk to wooseok’s dorm, not entirely sure what he’s going to say when he gets there. he’d been distracted in class, caught up in what yanan had told him and his own guilt, of not being there for his best friend. 

despite the inner turmoil he’s been dealing with in the depths of his own dorm, the nightmares plaguing him every time he closes his eyes, he can’t help but feel bad. 

the feelings he has for hyunggu, whatever they may be, should have never pushed him away from wooseok. it’s been five days since he’s seen the younger, text messages left unseen. and he knows that if the situation was flipped, he’d be freaking out, wanting to know if wooseok is okay, why he’s gone ghost all of a sudden. 

obviously it’s not wooseok’s fault that hyunggu wanted to go on a date with him, he tells himself and that starts to hurt a little, like a bruise is forming over his heart. it’s a slow burn that wriggles through his chest, a definite cause of some of his frustration. because he can’t be mad at wooseok for being handsome and funny and attainable. and he can’t be mad at hyunggu for wanting him either. 

he can only be mad at himself. for not feeling good enough, not _ being _ good enough to even make it on the dancer’s radar. mad at himself that he’s jealous that wooseok did. 

he feels silly almost, that out of the two of them he spent the most time with hyunggu. talking, bonding, getting lost in those big brown eyes and wooseok still was more appealing. hyunggu didn’t even have to get to know him to see that. 

and disappointed that he got his hopes up without even realizing it. that subconsciously when hyunggu sat there, waves of nervousness coming off of him, eyes flashing to yuto every two seconds he had expected something else. for hyunggu to ask him if he wanted to hang out again, to go get lunch with him sometime. ridiculous fantasies reserved for dreams and dreams only. 

he waves to the big bald man at the security desk when he enters, flashing his id although they’re used to seeing his face. he tries to swallow down the nerves that threaten to engulf him as he travels through the halls. it’s just wooseok, he hums, nothing to be afraid of. 

wooseok’s dorm room is always unlocked, a bad habit on his part, a good thing for yuto because he’s used to always just throwing the door open. he follows that tradition this time but doesn’t move past the doorway, mouth gaped open in shock. 

two people are on wooseok’s tiny twin bed, their longs legs almost falling off of the edge, caught up in a passionate makeout session. yuto can hear the smack of their lips together, the tiny moans his best friend is holding back and if his jaw could drop any further it would. 

“what the fuck!” it leaves his mouth in a loud whisper, he’s stunned and confused and disgusted? all at once. 

shinwon peeks his head around wooseok’s shoulder and faster than any of them can register pushes wooseok to the floor, sitting up abruptly. his lips are kiss swollen, pants unbuckled, fly down and all, looking like a kid who got busted with his hand in the cookie jar. 

“what the fuck.” is all that he can manage, looking between them over and over because he just process the situation at hand. wooseok’s doe eyes are looking up at him dumbfounded, like yuto is the last person he expected to see. yuto understands why.

“i can’t do this.” shinwon blurts after a good 30 seconds of stunned silence, hurriedly tugging his jacket and shoes on, fly still unzipped. 

“can’t do what?” wooseok speaks finally as he pulls himself up off of the ground, eyebrows furrowed. “can’t do what, shinwon?” his tone is demanding, sharp, like he expected this kind of response. 

“this!” shinwon throws his hands up, voice raspy the way it’s bound to get after sticking your tongue down someone’s throat for god knows how long. “i can’t do this with you, okay? i have to go.” he swipes his bag up off of the floor and slides past yuto who’s still stuck in the doorway, perplexed as all hell. 

yuto doesn’t say anything and neither does wooseok, they just listen to each other breathe for a while, both trying to process different things. 

“close the door.” wooseok utters, not even looking up from where he’s glaring holes into the carpet. 

yuto doesn’t move, in a new world of shock and bewilderment, brain still trying to decipher the past two minutes like an old sluggish computer waiting for updates. 

“close the fucking door yuto!” wooseok shouts, hands in his messy hair, tugging, and yuto shuts the door with a click, flinching back from him. “where have you been? i’ve been texting you all week-”

“how could you do that?” yuto’s voice is soft but his words are clear, calmly cutting through the other man’s blatant anger. “shinwon’s dating hui, you know that.” 

“of course i know that.” wooseok turns to face him then, nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders, “i didn’t tell him to kiss me.” 

it sounds so much like an easy excuse and yuto hates it. he knows that no circumstance can make what he saw okay, doesn’t understand why wooseok is trying to justify it. the wooseok he knows would never do something like this, would be horrified by the thought of aiding someone in cheating. 

“you didn’t have to kiss him back!” yuto fires back, pointing to the pillows strewn everywhere, the haphazard comforter. “that was more than just kissing, wooseok, who knows what you might’ve done if i didn’t show up.” 

“it wouldn’t have gone that far!” wooseok’s starting to look pissed now, big hands clenching by his sides. “do you think i have that little self control?” 

“that’s not what i’m saying!” yuto huffs and he can feel that frustration building again, a kindling fire that has yet to go out. wooseok’s lighting the match and throwing it in, making the flames higher, brighter with every word he says. “i’m saying that it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter if it was just a peck on the lips or if it was a fucking blowjob, either way it wouldn’t be fair to hui.” 

“why do you even care?” wooseok whispers, slumping onto his bed, face falling into his hands. it looks like he’s on the verge of falling apart, yuto can see it so clearly. 

he’s used to watching wooseok blow up, throw his belongings everywhere, destroy things out of pure rage. he’s used to seeing him lose it, break down crying until his body is wracking with it, but even then he’s consolable. this is the first time in a long time that yuto has doubted himself when it comes to wooseok. he’s not sure if he can make this all okay. 

yuto wants to join him, sit by his side, rub his back like he’s used to doing but he can’t. can’t bring himself to close the distance. not when wooseok is acting like this. 

“because i’m your best friend, dickhead.” yuto leans against the door, crossing his arms across his chest. “i care about you even when you do stupid stuff like this.” 

“you went m.i.a on me!” wooseok’s back up again, shaking like he wants to punch something and yuto knows what this is. knows that wooseok needs somebody to blame and take all his irritation out at, so he doesn’t have to feel bad about himself. 

yuto doesn’t want to be that somebody, he refuses. 

“i didn’t do it on purpose!” 

“i call bullshit.” wooseok spits, eyes glazed over like he’s on autopilot, just throwing words out there. he doesn’t care if they hurt. “i knew something was off, i knew you were upset with me and why? because of hyunggu? because you wanted to get into kang kino’s pants and you’re mad that i did it first?” 

it hits yuto like a blow to his chest, a bomb that neither of them were expecting. he knows it’s written all over his face, the pain that wooseok’s causing. 

he doesn’t stop. 

“newsflash yuto! if he wanted you he would’ve asked for your number not mine!” wooseok hits his own chest for emphasis. “it’s not my fault that he didn’t! that doesn’t make it okay to ignore me all week and show up when you’re finally done being a coward-” 

“i was assaulted you absolute asshole!” yuto shouts, and he’s sure the whole dorm can hear it. surprised the security guard hasn’t shown up yet or that the noise complaints aren’t filing in. 

he watches wooseok go still, body slumping like someone hit an off switch. “w-what?” 

“i got way too drunk at a party and someone started touching me and i was so scared, woo. i was so terrified i couldn’t do anything to stop it!” he feels his face crumpling, tears welling up and the more he talks the faster they fall. “i can’t sleep without feeling them all over me, i haven’t looked at myself in the mirror, i flinch whenever someone brushes against me. i haven’t responded to anyone all week not just you! it’s not all about **you**!” 

wooseok breaks then and they’re both crying, the air between them going from intense to simply sad, heartbreaking almost. wooseok’s just staring at him with his sad puppy eyes, the ones yuto is weak for. but they’re not for convincing yuto to go cliff diving or take 5 shots in a row, they’re hurting instead. hurting for him. 

“i came here to apologize.” he slides down the door, wiping his wet cheeks but they just keep coming. “because i really am sorry for leaving you all alone, i shouldn’t have done it but everything was too overwhelming, too much. i needed time.” 

wooseok slowly walks to his side and takes the spot next to him, guiding his head onto his broad shoulders with a gentle touch. that’s all it takes for yuto to let it out like a dam bursting free, sobs making his body quiver and shake. 

he doesn’t know how long he cries but his eyes are red and puffy when he’s finished, half in wooseok’s lap, half off. he thinks maybe this is what he needs now, to be held and told that everything’s going to be alright. maybe if wooseok says it enough times he’ll believe it. 

this isn’t the norm for them. yuto’s used to being the strong one, the over protective big brother ready to save wooseok from any evil that’s lurking around the corners. since they became friend’s that’s been his job, a position he’s gladly filled. 

but sometimes he needs this. someone to play with his hair and rub his back until he feels better. until all the puzzle pieces inside him click together, whole once again. 

“i’m sorry for being an ‘absolute asshole’.” wooseok says quietly and they both snort, at ease like the fighting never happened. 

yuto won’t lie, seeing wooseok that riled up is scary because the other boy is always so calm. he’s silly and smiley like a golden retriever and is terrified of bees and scary movies. he’s not meant to be intimidating. 

seeing him so angry made yuto scared and he doesn’t want to be, not of his best friend. he knows he can’t help it, that even small claps of thunder make him freak out these days but he wants to push past it. 

and it’s always been easy with wooseok. it should always be. 

“you didn’t know,” yuto sniffles, arms tight around the lanky boy’s middle. “it’s been a long week for the both of us.”

“ramen and sailor moon?” wooseok offers, running a thumb over his cheek, brushing salty tears away. 

“i love you.” 

“i know.”

 __________

yuto skips his first class on friday and opts to go for a walk instead, letting the fresh air do him some good. he’s exceptionally more relaxed than the day before. the tension spilled out of his body as wooseok slept curled around him, holding him close like he was scared that if he didn’t yuto wouldn’t be there in the morning. 

wooseok apologized a few more times throughout the night, trying to cater to yuto’s wishes, do everything for him like that’s what he needed to do to be forgiven. the japanese boy had to pull him down, hug him and tell him that it was all okay. that he wasn’t angry still, never was really. 

nevertheless yuto doesn’t approve of what shinwon and wooseok did together but he _ does  _ understand why it happened. 

wooseok had given up on all chances to be with shinwon the moment hui came along, resigned himself to just watching the older man be happy from afar. shinwon showing up at his dorm was like dangling a piece of meat in front of lion, providing an addict with their favorite drug. wooseok kissing shinwon the first time was the catalyst, he had already gotten a taste of what it was like, how could he not want more? 

people do crazy things when they’re in love, he thinks, things that they would never do for anyone else. love makes that one person your exception, they tear down all your unsaid rules and boundaries. he doesn't know what that's like but he has a feeling he might soon. 

“yuto!” someone calls across the street and he blinks in surprise, sighing under his breath at the head of black hair he sees. of course it’s kang hyunggu, waving excitedly at him as cars pass by. when traffic slows he jogs towards him, crashing into his side with a loud giggle. 

“it’s been a while.” hyunggu smiles, looping his arm through yuto’s seamlessly, head leaning against his bicep.

yuto remembers what yanan told him, how affection hyunggu is with everyone, but that doesn’t stop the butterflies that flutter in his stomach. the smaller boy is so warm, bright like shooting stars that yuto doesn’t get to see very often. it’s like coming home when he’s with hyunggu, something familiar and cozy and safe. 

hyunggu offers him a sip of his coffee and yuto declines, already buzzing with nerves he doesn’t need the caffeine. they walk together for a little while and he just lets hyunggu talk as much as he wants. he listens, trying not to get distracted by the way his lips look as he forms the words. 

“you should’ve come seen the movie with us, it was so cool, i cried like twice dur-” 

“did you have sex with wooseok?” yuto asks bluntly, doesn’t mean for it to come out so harshly, doesn’t even realize what he’s saying until it’s already said. 

hyunggu coughs, cheeks flooding with color as he looks up at yuto in surprise. there’s a glint of something like respect in his eyes though, impressed that yuto even asked in the first place. 

yuto’s impressed with himself too, tired of holding back and never knowing what to say. but above all he just wants the truth even if hyunggu doesn’t owe him anything. 

“no.” hyunggu answers, grip on yuto’s jacket tightening, “we fooled around a little but we both decided we weren’t into it.” he shrugs, “i feel like if we went any further i would’ve ended up laughing at wooseok’s dick or something.” 

they both chuckle, and yuto lets out a sigh of relief, the icky bubbling feeling in his stomach dissipating. 

“you want to get burritos?” hyunggu squints as the sun suddenly appears from behind the clouds, vivid rays glaring down at them both. “i haven’t eaten at all today.” 

yuto nods so they continue on walking and hyunggu doesn’t let go, if anything he clings on tighter, nuzzling into the fabric of yuto’s collar. 

the butterflies beat their wings faster and a small bud of hope blooms in yuto’s chest, right up out of the bruises. he understands that he might get hurt in the end, that his feelings might get trampled on and there’s nothing he can do about it. 

he accepts that in its entirety because he doesn’t want to feel numb anymore. hyunggu makes him feel fifty different things at once, his emotions full like a tub brimming over, bathroom flooded. 

he likes it though, that this one boy can make him feel so uncollected, out of control. so he lets hyunggu lead him along, pulling his heart on a string, eyes alight and happy and that's all he really wants. his solution shouldn’t have been to feel less, he realizes. just to simply feel. everything else will soon follow. 

 

yuto isn't scared anymore. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you sm for reading!! i hope you liked this chapter as well! i tried my best to make it good without rushing it. your response means a lot to me so don't be shy to leave kudos or a comment ((:
> 
> ig: roseyuto


	3. Chapter 3

__________

 

weekends are yuto’s downtime. he blasts music and stress cleans his dorm on friday nights, does little to nothing on saturdays. wooseok is a lot more sociable than he is so the tall boy usually has plans and that’s fine, yuto doesn’t mind staying in. point being, he normally isn’t that busy.

 

so he ends up in the middle of a 7-eleven at 1 a.m with one giggly kang hyunggu attached to him like an octopus. hyunggu’s arms are wrapped tightly around his waist, face smooshed in between yuto’s shoulder blades. they walk through the aisles like that, picking up random snacks among the way meant to cure their case of the munchies.

 

hyunggu had texted yuto at 11:30, a simple “hey i'm gonna do edibles do you want to come over?” and now here they were. and maybe yuto had literally fallen out of his bed scrambling to get ready but he would never tell anyone that. isn't gonna admit to himself how eager he was to see him.  

 

it's funny, yuto thinks, how much closer they've gotten over the past weeks, doesn't understand why. although he isn't complaining. hyunggu makes a pretty cute backpack.

 

but it's confusing. if hyunggu was affectionate before it's like some boundary between them has broken and his efforts have doubled. hyunggu keeps holding his hand, fingers intertwined and all.  he keeps looking up at him with those milk chocolate eyes, popping up out of nowhere just to hug yuto in the caf and then scamper off.

 

hyunggu lays his head on yuto’s lap when they hang out in the dance studio after classes and sends him wholesome memes in the middle film studies. he snuggles his head in the crook of yuto’s neck while they're walking, and loops their arms together like he needs to keep yuto close.

 

it's endearing the way hyunggu sees him and becomes all grabby, eager for attention like he's touch deprived. but yuto keeps yanan’s words in the back of his mind, sees the way hyunggu laughs and curls his body around the modelesque blond when they stand next to each other. hyunggu’s like this with everyone, he tells himself, refuses to get his hopes up.   

 

yuto hates being disappointed. he always ends up blaming himself for believing things would work out in his favor. sometimes it's just easier to think of the worst case scenario. it hurts less that way. there's less to lose.

 

and this “crush” that he has on hyunggu is one of those things that he'd rather just push aside, refuse to believe in. _(“ i just don’t want you to get hurt if hyunggu never wakes up one day and realizes what a absolute catch you are.”)_ yeah yuto doesn't either.

 

but hanging out with hyunggu is fun. hyunggu is loud, outspoken but also a good listener, doesn't just pretend to care like everybody else. he gives yuto good advice and tells him little stories about all the wild shit he and his friends have done. he buys yuto coffee when he's dead to the world in the morning and offers to massage his shoulders when he's stiff from hunching over a laptop all night.

 

hyunggu’s laugh sounds like summer days spent eating melting popsicles and laying in pools. he smells like vanilla and feels like the stars under yuto’s hands and it's so intoxicating. yuto's never met a human being so close to perfect. and he knows he shouldn't put hyunggu on a pedestal but he’s like a soft kitten, a dandelion, all things good and small. yuto kind of wishes he could find a flaw in hyunggu. maybe it would make him like the dancer less.

 

but something else tells him he's at the point of no return.

 

they leave the 7-eleven with a bag full of snacks, lots of chocolate courtesy of hyunggu. the cashier shoots them dirty looks the whole way out because he can definitely tell that they're more baked than a cake. yuto's too preoccupied with trying to waddle out, hyunggu still attached to his back. it's cute but very inconvenient and they'll get nowhere at this rate.  

 

“hyunggu.”

 

“no.” comes the muffled answer spoken into the hood of his jacket, arms squeezing tighter. it's pretty out. the moon is full and cheesy-looking, a pale yellow color stark against the almost black sky.

 

“you don't even know what i'm gonna say.”

 

“i'm not letting go.” and yuto can't see it but he can hear the pout in hyunggu’s words. can feel the sulkiness radiating.

 

they walk like that all the way back to hyunggu’s apartment and yuto can't even be mad about it. having hyunggu curled around him seems like a cure all to any of his problems. and he's too adorable for yuto to say no to. hyunggu knows that, uses it to his advantage.

 

hyunggu pulls him onto the couch as soon as the door shuts behind them. he curls into yuto’s side, knees pressing into his thighs, and they find a tv show to watch that way. hyunggu makes yuto eat a few hot cheetos even after he explains that he’s horrible with spicy food and when yuto’s face screws up, cheeks going red, he squirms in mirth, cackles echoing in the almost empty apartment.

 

“your eyes are really pretty.” hyunggu croons suddenly, leaning in real close to yuto’s face to rub the pad of his thumb under yuto’s right eye and he inhales so fast he almost chokes. “i can’t believe i never noticed it before.”

 

yuto licks his lips and swallows harshly, stiff as a board as hyunggu cups his cheek, squeezes then lets go. his heart is racing and it almost pisses him off the way hyunggu can sink back into his seat and go right back to watching the tv, popping reese’s cups into his mouth.

 

it’s like he’s not affected at all. and it’s not that yuto expects him to be but it’s a small hit at his self esteem that hyunggu doesn’t see him in that way...not even in the slightest. that even though yuto spent more time with the dancer he still wanted to go on a date with wooseok instead. it’s seems that being this close to yuto is so simple for hyunggu. it sinks into his stomach, the bitter feeling of being wordlessly friendzoned. a big billboard flashing ‘he’s not into you, bro’ as yuto drives by a metaphorical intersection.

 

he hates it.

 

he forces his face into a neutral expression and they watch some anime that hyunggu really likes. he gets so excited explaining the plot to him that yuto doesn’t bother telling him he’s watched both seasons already.

 

hyunggu gets up to grab them both sodas from the fridge, knocking pile of clutter off of the coffee table with his knee by accident. yuto waves him off and bends to gather everything up, pausing at the light purple book that he easily recognizes. how could he not? hyunggu carries it everywhere. it’s propped open on a page titled _‘it’s finally spring’_.

 

**_‘i went to visit his grave for the first time today. i don’t know what i was expecting to feel but is it bad that i didn’t feel much of anything?? i wanted to feel sad for him, to mourn properly after so long but i couldn’t. i left him flowers, a stupid idea huh? he wouldn’t have appreciated them if he was alive, probably would’ve thrown them in the trash and spit in my face afterwards. but it’s the thought that counts right?’_ **

 

“ugh that page is so morbid.” hyunggu groans from right above him making yuto jump, the latter hadn’t even realized he entered the room.

 

he shuffles up quickly, closing the book and placing it down, looking over at hyunggu sheepishly. he feels like a kid that got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, doing something he’s not supposed to.

 

hyunggu must see the panic on his face because he just chuckles and bumps yuto’s side with his hip, taking the lavender notebook into his own hands. they settle back down onto the couch as hyunggu flips through it, his face aglow with something like nostalgia.  

 

“my father had a really bad drinking problem.” hyunggu begins, opening it up to the very first page where it’s labeled _‘new years eve: my first kiss’._ with lots of excited exclamation marks.

 

“even before he met my mom he would go out and drink until it was late, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, drink and then repeat the cycle all over again. he knew he would never find a wife if he was some obnoxious messy drunk so he stopped drinking for a while, quit cold turkey.” hyunggu flips through a few more memories, forever embedded in ink. “he met my mom and somehow charmed her into thinking he wasn’t a piece of shit and then the day they got married he got wasted at the reception and pushed her down a flight of steps at home.”

 

yuto is sure his face is stuck in a permanent frown, not liking where the story is headed, but willing to hear it out until the end. he’s just happy hyunggu is opening up to him, showing him that his life is more than rainbows and sunshine and that maybe he’s just as fucked up as everyone else. he reaches for hyunggu’s hand, squeezes, and they continue.

 

“and then she had me. and i was a fuck up.” hyunggu laughs bitterly, shaking his head “not in the usual way though. i got good grades in school, i was on the soccer team and i never stayed out too late, never stole the car, never ran away from home.”

 

hyunggu rolls his eyes, gesturing at the expertly blended plum eyeshadow he’s donning. “but i was too feminine. my dad smacked the back of my head everytime i crossed my legs instead of keeping them spread. he didn’t like that most of my friends were girls and that i was into dance. i had too much of a creative spirit, can you believe that bullshit?”

 

yuto can hear the pain in his voice even now as he talks about it and can’t imagine how that must’ve felt to a young hyunggu. when you’re a kid going through puberty trying to figure out what you want in life, what you like, who you really are; the last thing you need is someone trying to tell you to be something you’re not. especially when it’s your own parents stopping you from reaching happiness.

 

yuto’s never had to deal with hyunggu’s struggles but he hears them loud and clear. he was a ‘normal boy’ back in japan. he played baseball, wore all black and his quiet nature could sometimes be read as emotionlessness, a trait his own father admired. he never dated until leaving his hometown for high school and it only took him one awkward outing with a girl to realize he liked boys instead. it’s not fair, he thinks, hyunggu deserved so much better.

 

he still does.

 

“he kept getting drunk and giving me shit for existing but he never hit me.” hyunggu clarifies, resting his head on yuto’s shoulder. “i don’t know what my mom told him, whatever kind of deal she made with him but he never laid a hand on me besides a little pushing and shoving here and there.”

 

yuto can’t hold back his small sigh of relief. the thought of bruises covering that pale skin, blood dripping down at the hands of hyunggu’s father makes him hold on just a little bit tighter. it’s in the past, this he knows. but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

 

“he drunk so much that it was affecting his health in too many ways too count. he had to get two surgeries and he started losing his memory.” hyunggu takes a deep breath, “my mom was still in love with him even then, even after all he put her through and she was so devastated when he looked at her and couldn’t recognize her face.”

 

hyunggu brushes a hand against yuto’s cheek and it makes him feel like crying almost, because it doesn’t feel like just a touch. it feels like hyunggu’s trying to say everything and nothing at once in a swift caress. or maybe yuto’s just wearing rose-colored glasses, seeing everything he wants to see.

 

“he died only a few months after and i...bought this book.” he taps the hardcover, “every little moment that i don’t want to forget, the way i felt in that moment, the way it smelled that afternoon, the way the sky looked that day. if it’s important, i want to remember it. i want to remember the people around me, i want to remember _you_.” he smiles up at yuto with glistening eyes. “so i have this just in case.”

 

the _if anything bad happens_ is unspoken but yuto knows that’s what he means and when he walks home that night at 3 a.m he thinks of hyunggu and the tears he didn’t allow to fall.

 

_i want to remember you too._

  


__________

 

they’re at hyojong’s place again but this time it isn’t for a party. there’s just a handful of people who sort of know each other in casual clothes with a couple cases of beer and cheap tequila. there are candles lit and some kind of documentary about otters on in the background that hui looks mildly interested in.

 

yuto takes a seat on the couch beside him, taking a deep gulp of his drink the moment his brain glitches and suddenly recollects what he saw last week in wooseok’s dorm. it’s not that he necessarily forgot (wooseok’s groaned about it enough on their walks to class), but he doesn’t know if hui knows what he knows.

 

hell, yuto doesn’t even want to know what he knows. if he could erase the memory of shinwon and wooseok tongue wrestling out of his brain he would. but that’s not the point.

 

yuto has no clue if shinwon told his boyfriend or not. if shinwon brushed what happened with wooseok off as a mistake small enough not to bother telling his boyfriend. he hopes that hui isn’t being left in the dark and though he doesn’t know the older man that well, he knows he doesn’t deserve _that_. no one does.

 

he takes another sip and tries to hope for the best. he may not know hui that well yet but he does know shinwon and he figures the lanky man would be honest. or maybe yuto just doesn’t want to believe he would do something so cruel.

 

when the smaller man bounces up, newly dyed red hair flopping everywhere to give shinwon a kiss, eyes shining like gems, yuto chugs half of the bottle. hui is absolutely oblivious and in love and it makes his stomach churn, like he’s done something wrong even though he wasn’t even involved.

 

wooseok flops into the area that hui left vacant, curls into his side and they don’t say anything as the last guest files their way into the room.

 

there’s a few people in the room that he doesn’t recognize but one that he can’t take his eyes off of. hyunggu’s leaning against the speakers, wearing a black crop top with the logo of some random rock band on the front that flashes his tummy every time he lifts his arms. his jeans have big holes in them revealing the milky skin underneath.

 

he keeps sweeping his hair back revealing his forehead and his pretty brown eyes are covered in soft peachy makeup. when he bends over his pants are so tight that yuto can tell the ravenette isn’t wearing any underwear. he bites his bottom lip and finishes his bottle.

 

the dancer hasn’t said a word to yuto all night, not a single hello, hasn’t spared him a glance. but he’s in the corner being a chatterbox, face lit up with glee and yuto can’t help but frown. did he do something wrong? was hyunggu tired of him already?

 

he knows there’s no way hyunggu hasn’t seen him because he’s not exactly small and there isn’t a crowd for him to disappear into. and plus, him and wooseok’s 6 foot tall asses are taking up all the space on the only couch in the living room.

 

he tries to ignore it watching the otters on the television float downstream holding hands. for some reason that makes it worse.

 

wooseok leaves his side to get them shots and they down them, trying to wash away the nerves. yuto knows they’re drinking for different reasons. shinwon passes by them silently, doesn’t even wave.

 

they take another shot.

 

yanan’s in the kitchen sipping at a juicebox when yuto goes to find a snack, finally acknowledging his rumbling stomach. he waves the sleeve of his yellow sweater, beckoning yuto over, wrapping an arm around his shoulders when he gets close enough.

 

“adachi,” he greets, crushing the box between his hand, shooting it into the trash can like a layup. it goes in. yanan just might be the smoothest human being yuto’s ever met. “drunk enough yet?”

 

“not enough.” yuto sighs, stuffing gummy worms into his mouth. “but i’m cutting myself off. who’s gonna look after wooseok if i’m trashed?”

 

“why can’t wooseok look after himself?” it’s not said in a malicious way, it’s a tone of genuine curiosity.

 

“he has a lot on his plate right now.” is all yuto says, trying to be subtle because it’s barely any of his business, nevertheless yanan’s. but he’s tipsy and his tongue always gets a little loose when he’s had a few. “and a couple people he’d rather avoid.”

 

“you can just say shinwon and hui, it’s not that much of a secret.” wooseok calls from the doorway, pushing yuto out of the way to stick his big hand into the candy bowl. “i know what happened, you know, shinwon knows, i’m pretty sure hongseok knows. he has dirt on everybody. shit, jinhwan does too.”

 

yuto’s mind flashes to the smaller man that he sees sometimes in the theater during breaks. “how the hell does he know?”

 

“don’t worry about it.” wooseok mumbles around a mouthful of jellies. “point being, half of the people at this little get together know shinwon cheated on hui so it’s gonna get out eventually right?”

 

yanan spills half of a jar of m&ms on the floor in surprise, squatting to shove most of them in his mouth mumbling something about the five second rule. when he pops back up his eyes are wide with shock, cheeks puffed out like a hamster.

 

“he did what?” he tries to say but it comes out muffled around all the chocolate.

 

“shinwon kissed me.” wooseok says maybe a little too loudly but yuto can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s drunker than the both of them. yuto doesn’t know how he accomplished that in the thirty seconds he was gone but he feels kind of proud? either way drunk wooseok doesn’t have a filter at all nor any perception of volume.

 

“it wasn’t a bad kiss either,” wooseok starts babbling and it’s like watching a car crash. horrendous and startling but you can’t look away and you can’t do anything to stop it. “not too wet or slimy, there was a good tongue to tongue ratio. it felt like he was ravaging my mouth for gold but like in a good way. i knew shinwon would be a good kisser but-”

 

yanan coughs loudly and at first yuto thinks he’s choking and pats his back but his gaze shifts to where hui’s standing, hands shakily gripping beer bottles.

 

“fuck.”

 

wooseok turns around slowly like he’s being arrested or something, face pulled in an almost comedic jaw drop. “i’m so sorry.” is all he says and it’s like hui is frozen, just standing there, brows furrowed like he’s confused.

 

shinwon jogs up, bumping into hui’s back with a happy smile, wrapping an arm around his waist, “changgu wants to play just dance on the wii, i told him we’d do single ladies with him.”

 

hui shrugs off shinwon’s hand, hand clenched tightly around the neck of the bottle he’s holding like he wants to hit the other with it. yuto couldn’t really blame him if he did.

 

“don’t touch me!” and it’s the loudest yuto’s ever heard his voice go, way more aggressive than he was expecting from someone who looks like the epitome of sunshine. hui looks a lot more like a volcano right now, lava bubbling to the surface. “you kissed wooseok?”

 

wooseok shuffles awkwardly when shinwon finally looks over at the three of them, huddled together by the doritos.

 

“what did you tell him?” he questions immediately, moving forward with intentions to get closer to wooseok and yuto steps in front of him, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“the truth.” yuto huffs, sees yanan pull wooseok back slightly out of the corner of his eye. he blesses the blond’s maternal instincts. “and we didn’t _tell_ him anything, he overheard.”

 

“you’re not even denying it.” hui’s voice cracks and he sounds so broken that yanan flinches besides him, holding wooseok closer. he’s looking at shinwon with these big, tear-filled eyes and yuto has to look away, his stomach fluttering with guilt. he wishes he could’ve sat down and told hui gently, rather than him finding out this way. but it was never his business to tell.

 

“i-if you wanted to be with him, you could’ve just told me and i would’ve understood.” he sniffles, throwing the bottles, not caring where they land, if they shatter. they do, with a loud noise and yuto has no clue who’s gonna clean that up.

 

he focuses on shinwon instead, the real culprit and he’s just standing there, floundering for words. at this point there’s no way for him to defend himself and yuto can see it in his eyes, pure defeat and something like anger.

 

yuto has always hated cheaters. the way they lie through their teeth so easily, how deceitful they are. what he despises the most is the way they’re only sorry that they get caught, not sorry that someone else got hurt in the process. yuto can tell that shinwon is angry at wooseok for letting it slip when he should be angry at himself for being unfaithful. but that’s another thing about cheaters, their logic makes no sense.

 

shinwon goes to reach out for hui’s hand but he snatches it away, pushing the taller man away from him so hard he goes flying into the cabinets.

 

“if you touch me again, i’ll rip your tongue out of your mouth and make you swallow it.” a tear rolls down his cheek and he brushes it away with the back of his hand. “try to cheat on me then.”

 

when hui storms off yuto looks awkwardly around the room before following, the small part of him that still feels guilty leading him along. he knows yanan will make sure wooseok ends up okay. the window to the balcony is open so yuto crawls through, settling down on one of the milk crates.

 

“what do you want, yuto?” hui whispers, arms wrapped around his stomach like it’s the only thing keeping him together. it just might be.

 

it’s cool out on the balcony and the sky is littered with stars blinking down on them. the air between them feels melancholy, a big difference from the last time yuto was out on these crates but that’s okay. he knows he can’t do much to make hui feel better but he still wants to try.

 

“i’m sorry.” yuto blurts as they stare at the night sky together. “i should’ve told you about...everything.”

 

“no you shouldn’t have.” hui cuts in, turning to look at him and his eyes are dark, an almost coal black. “wooseok is your best friend, i know that. you shouldn’t have thrown him under the bus for me.”

 

“it wasn’t about that.” yuto protests, “wooseok knows what he did wrong. so do i, i won’t make excuses for it. i just thought that shinwon would’ve told you.”

 

it’s quiet for a minute, hui burying his face into his hands and yuto doesn’t say anything, gives him time to collect himself. when he speaks again it’s a mumble that he has to strain to hear.

 

“i’ve been in love with him for a year.” hui wipes his eyes and straightens up. “i’ve had classes with him and he’s always been that loud outgoing guy that everybody likes. i thought he was kind of obnoxious to be honest.” he chuckles but it’s lost all feeling. “we got partnered up for a project and i couldn’t help liking him, i thought it was just a stupid crush that would go away eventually y’know?”

 

yuto knows.

 

“and then we became friends, spent almost every day together and at some point i thought ‘maybe this isn’t just a crush anymore.’” he continues on, “the day i realized i really loved him though was when he kissed me after eating a pb&j and i had an allergic reaction. he looked so worried, he kept apologizing over and over and it was the cutest thing i had ever seen.”

 

his voice is weak as he speaks but he keeps going like he needs to get it all out so yuto just listens. he’s good at that.

 

“i told him i loved him and he never said it back because he wasn’t ready but i was okay with it.” hui shrugs, “i just wanted him to know, i didn’t need anything in return. so you see, yuto, i’m not surprised shinwon didn’t tell me.”

 

he looks over, bottom lip wobbling, and his eyes tell a million different stories.

 

“because he never loved me in the first place.”

 

__________

 

yuto calls hui an uber and stands outside until the car has driven away. the older man said he wanted to go home early but they both know he won’t be getting any sleep. he runs his fingers through his hair and pulls, taking a deep breath.

 

shinwon may be a coward but yuto refuses to be. so he sets off to find the one person he hasn’t spoken to all night and finds him in the kitchen, sitting on the floor by the cooler.

 

and his heart breaks.

 

it’s one a.m. and hyunggu is sloppy, shirt half on half off and he keeps mumbling about being too warm. his eyes dazed to the point where yuto knows for a fact that drinking isn’t the only activity he’s partaken in.

 

yuto’s been to a lot of college parties, has had drunken conversations with people on molly and acid, looking down at the ground to avoid their dilated pupils. he usually doesn’t care that much because it’s none of his business, it’s not his body, not his problem.

 

but this is hyunggu. the same boy who curls into yuto’s side and whines until they watch big hero 6 together and makes little snuffling noises in his sleep. it hurts a little to see him like this is, sweating and wobbily rocking back and forth. yuto feels that icky burning feeling that he gets when he drinks too much sticking in his stomach and this time it caused by something else entirely.

 

hyunggu curls a shaky hand around yuto’s wrist and tries to pull him down to the floor with him, so yuto goes, weak to his touch as always. they sit on the tiles and hyunggu maneuvers himself until he’s sitting in between yuto’s legs, back pressed against his chest. they stay like that for a while as the rest of the world around them fades and it’s like it’s only them in the room. like the universe got put on hold so they could have this moment.

 

“i’m sorry.” hyunggu whispers into his ear, voice desperate and cracking, gripping yuto’s hands in his tightly. it seems that everyone has something to be sorry for tonight. 

 

“what are you apologizing for?”

 

“i took too much.” hyunggu looks up at him with watery eyes, irises flickering back and forth like they can’t focus on anything. when he blinks a single tear rolls down his cheek. “don’t want you to see me like this.”

 

“too much of what?” yuto grips his chin when he tries to turn away forcing them to lock eyes. it’s futile though because hyunggu clenches his own shut. “too much what, kino?”

 

“don’t call me that.” the intoxicated man frowns, shaking his head like he’s terribly confused. his sentences are all blurring together, yuto can barely understand him. “you don’t ever call me that. i don’t like it.”

 

“you always call me hyunggu.” he keeps babbling, turning in yuto’s hold until they’re face to face but his eyes are still closed and their lips brush for a short moment. he doesn’t even realize, keeps mumbling to himself. “say it, say my name.”

 

“hyunggu.” leaves yuto’s lips in a slow detached whisper because suddenly he’s the one who’s too warm, burning all over from their kiss (if you can even call it that). it was a second, maybe less than that but it’s playing on minute-long loops in yuto’s head and he forces himself to snap out of it, focusing on the problem at hand.

 

hyunggu’s trembling against him, slumped against his collarbone and yuto pulls him up to hold a water bottle to his lips. hyunggu gulps down half of it in no time, their hands clasped over the plastic.

 

when he opens his eyes finally it’s like he’s looking through yuto, not at him, and it’s scary. the dancer is normally so full of life, singing to himself and bursting into fits of happy giggles. surveying him now he just looks...dull. like someone sucked all the color out of him.

 

“wanna go home.” hyunggu mumbles, pulling at the fabric of yuto’s shirt, sort of like a baby having a tantrum but the energy isn’t there. “please take me home.”

 

so yuto calls another uber, ignoring how much he ends up paying for the ride because hyunggu’s practically in his lap, face buried in yuto’s neck. he’s shivering even though the heater’s on and yuto rubs his back until he’s arching into the touch. it’s like hyunggu would be purring if he could.

 

he ends up carrying hyunggu out of the car, shutting it with his hip, hands preoccupied with holding the dancer up. hyunggu isn’t asleep but he’s limp like a ragdoll, loosely grasping onto yuto’s back.

 

he doesn’t say another word until yuto sits him down on his bed, brushing a hand over his sweaty forehead. he unties hyunggu’s sneakers one by one, pulls them off, helps the inebriated boy squirm out of his too tight jeans and into pajama pants.

 

“i just wanted to feel good.” hyunggu whispers into the darkness of his room, tangling yuto’s fingers between his own. “but now i don’t feel good, yuto.”

 

“why did you need to take…” yuto trails off because he doesn’t know what’s lingering in the other man’s system. “ _that_ to feel good?”

 

“t-the guy told me it would make me feel good, that it would make me happy.” hyunggu sighs, “sometimes i feel like i’m only happy because everyone expects me to be. so i thought maybe it could do all the work for me. but now i just feel like i’m gonna die.”

 

“you’re not going to die, kang hyunggu.” yuto cups his cheeks and forces hyunggu to look at him. and it’s like it finally registers in hyunggu’s mind that yuto’s really there, that yuto’s real because he breaks out into a smile and it’s dazzling.

 

“i know i won’t.” hyunggu smiles brighter, “you won’t let me die, yuto. you like me too much.”

 

he freezes, awkwardly retracting his hands from hyunggu’s cheeks but the other man just pulls him back in, humming happily.

 

“you stare at me a lot.” hyunggu murmurs, all soft and sweet, “that’s how i knew you liked me. the girls in my dance class stare at me a lot too but not even as much as you do.”

 

“were you upset when i asked wooseok on a date?” hyunggu doesn’t even sound like himself, it sounds like someone else is talking through him. but yuto can’t move, can’t do anything about it. he feels like the coward now. and stupid too, for thinking hyunggu hadn’t noticed. even a blind man could see how infatuated yuto is.

 

just how long has hyunggu known? he wonders, heart thumping faster with sudden anxiety. has he known this whole time?

 

“i’m sorry.” hyunggu grabs his hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “i didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

 

_what do you think you’re doing right now?_

 

“but i’m happy wooseok and i didn’t go all the way.” he trails a sneaky hand down yuto’s chest to grip at his belt. “i don’t think he would’ve tasted as good as you do.”

 

hyunggu lunges himself forward with some kind of newfound energy and captures yuto’s lips in his own. he’s still way too warm, flushed under yuto’s fingertips and he moans into the japanese boy’s mouth, squirming closer.

 

hyunggu tastes like shitty beer and oranges and so so much better than yuto was expecting. when hyunggu slips his tongue into yuto’s shocked mouth with ease, trailing a hot hand under his shirt, yuto stumbles back in surprise, gaping.

 

he wants this, he wants this more than anything else but not like this. not in the middle of the night in hyunggu’s room painted in shadows while the other boy’s intoxicated. he doubts hyunggu will even remember this in the morning. hopes he doesn’t.

 

there’s a little voice in the back of his mind whispering ‘guess he only wants you when he isn’t sober’. he shuts it out.

 

“you need to lay down.” yuto asserts, slightly out of breath as he pushes hyunggu back down, covering him up with his favorite blanket. it looks like a lily pad and it’s softer than silk. he normally thinks hyunggu looks absolutely adorable underneath it. now he can’t stare in his direction for too long.

 

“is it bedtime?” hyunggu yawns, curling up in a small ball with only his head peeking out.

 

“yeah it’s bedtime.” yuto rearranges the pillows underneath his head and makes sure there’s fresh water on his bedside table.

 

“stay.” hyunggu says softly, bottom lip pushed out slightly, “stay, please. i need you, yuto.”

 

all of his resolve crumbles, shattered in that one second and he folds, lifting the covers to slide underneath them. hyunggu snuggles into his side immediately and falls asleep faster than yuto can count to ten.

 

when he’s sure the other is no longer awake he stares up at the ceiling’s swirling galaxy and lets the silent tears run down his cheeks.

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this update took so long!! hope u all enjoy this chapter uwu i tried my best to make it good


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter of too much!! thank you so much to everyone who has supported this story, enjoyed this story, left kudos or comments, it means so much to me. this story is like my baby and i'm happy to end it knowing i truly put in effort to make it good. thanks to anyone who inspired me, cough cough, tempestt, to continue going with this story. anyone who reassured me that my writing is good ((: ily

__________

 

waking up in hyunggu’s bed the second time feels a lot different from the first. the main difference; hyunggu asked him to stay last night, small hands curled in yuto’s shirt. it’s something he would’ve marveled over if the dancer hadn’t been under the influence of some unknown drug, seeing yuto through glossed over glassy eyes. 

 

there is one similarity though. hyunggu isn’t there when he awakens so he takes a moment to heave a deep breath and sort through his cluttered thoughts. his head is pounding, not from drinking but from everything else he supposes. it’s the inevitable aftermath. 

 

if he closes his eyes hard enough he can still feel hyunggu’s hands on his chest, hot like a fever. there’s a bitter aftertaste lingering on his tongue and he swallows roughly, shaking at the thought of those lips on his. it doesn’t feel real. it’s like the previous night is some odd far away memory, ones you can only remember very specific pieces of. 

 

the night passes by him in snapshots.  _ wooseok in the kitchen, guarded behind yanan’s broad shoulders. hui on the balcony, painted in blue and purple lights, melancholy. hyunggu crying, yuto desperately wanting to take those tears away. the press of hyunggu’s body against his, there one moment, gone the next. hyunggu knows, oh god, hyunggu knows. _

 

yuto remembers falling asleep, cheeks tear-tracked, his mind doing cartwheels. he pushes those lingering thoughts away, it is a new day afterall. and yuto’s still holding onto hope that maybe hyunggu just won’t remember a thing. 

 

why? because he doesn’t want anything to change. doesn’t want hyunggu to become awkward around him and it might sound selfish but he doesn’t want hyunggu to let go of him.

 

he’s scared that hyunggu won’t hold his hand anymore or snuggle into his chest as they watch stand up comedy specials. that a simple kiss will pull them apart. though nothing about this is _simple._

 

he has a lot of questions. about the substance hyunggu put into his body, about the way he kissed yuto so desperately, like he was trying to prove something.

 

he scrubs a hand over his face and forces himself up, the smell of something savory is creeping in from the kitchen and the moment it reaches him he feels ravenous. his body carries him into the hallway where with every step closer he can hear voices trickling down and something in yanan’s tone makes him stop. 

 

he’s never considered himself much of an eavesdropper but it’s like he’s frozen, doesn’t wanna walk away, doesn’t want to walk in on something he isn’t meant to be a part of. he’s not proud of it but he stands and listens instead because he hears his name, shoved in between the angry ranting syllables flowing from yanan’s mouth. 

 

“i have every right to be upset when you took drugs from the shadiest dude i’ve ever met in my life when you could’ve asked one of us for whatever you needed. i’m not mad about you doing them, it’s not my body, it’s not up to me. but at least be responsible about it. he could’ve sold you anything.” 

 

yanan sounds exasperated, the way people sound when they’ve been talking to a brick wall for hours, getting nothing but the echoes of their own voice bouncing back at them. 

 

“i-”

 

“you smoke hyojong’s weed and drink wine because vodka makes you gag.” yanan cuts him off before he can get a word out and if yuto can’t see his face but he knows it’s probably stuck in a exaggerated frown. “you don’t go out to parties and pop pills, you’re not like that. that’s not you.”

 

“i wasn’t trying to be something that i’m not.” hyunggu shoots back with just as much frustration and yuto wonders how long they’ve been going back and forth. “i was trying to  _ feel  _ something.  _ anything _ would be better than feeling so numb all the time.” 

 

“ending up in a hospital getting your stomach pumped sure would be something, huh?” yanan sounds absolutely scathing, something yuto isn’t used to. 

 

yanan’s voice normally sounds the way clouds look, soft and smooth. he treats yuto like a protective older brother would, the way mother bears watch out for their cubs. he’s never heard him like  _ this _ . 

 

“you didn’t even tell me you were leaving. i looked for you for almost an hour, kept calling you, just to find out you dragged yuto to take you home.” 

 

“and he made sure i got here safe.” hyunggu protests as if yuto would do anything but. 

 

“is that how he ended up in your bed?” yanan questions but it’s without feeling, all the pent-up emotions leaving him in one breath. when he speaks again his voice is quiet and yuto has to strain to hear him. 

 

“you can’t keep doing this to him.” yanan sounds closer now, louder and yuto wants to run, in fear of getting caught but he’s stuck there, reeling. “you know how he feels about you and you still spend every day together, you sit in his lap and kiss his cheek knowing it means a lot more to him than it means to you and you’re okay with that?” 

 

“i didn’t tell you about yuto’s crush on me so you could throw it back in my face.” and  _ that  _ feels like a slap in the face to yuto, so much that he actually flinches. 

 

“it’s not just a crush, don’t you understand that?” yanan grounds out, trying to get his point across. “that boy is head over heels for you and you keep him around because you don’t want to be alone. it’s  _ selfish _ , hyunggu, is what it is.” 

 

yuto’s stomach drops, like a stone skipping, once, twice, floating to the very bottom of a shallow river. his breath starts to become ragged, the edges of panic so he backs up slowly until he reaches the bathroom and slides inside, closing the door loud enough for them to hear. 

 

he sits on the toilet for a while, curled up with his knees to his chest, arms wrapped around them. the blood is rushing in his ears like he’s spent the past five minutes upside down, flushed and immensely uncomfortable. 

 

yuto knew something was off about the previous night, just couldn’t put his finger on it. 

 

it didn’t feel genuine. it felt like hyunggu only wanted yuto to stay because he didn’t have anybody else. and yuto doesn’t want to be someone’s last resort. ever. 

 

he would honestly be okay if this whole thing was one-sided, because having hyunggu’s friendship over anything else has always mattered the most to him. it just hurts to know hyunggu’s known this whole time and didn’t bother letting him down gently. 

 

yuto thinks about the first genuine conversation they ever had, on hyojong’s balcony, tongues tasting bitter, the sky turning black above them.

 

_ sonder _ . the way hyunggu’s lips formed the words, so passionate about other people’s pain, so alive and sympathetic. he thinks he may have liked hyunggu even then without realizing, with his red eyes and pink lips. so real, tangible, yet too beautiful to be so.

 

has he’s been too transparent? looking at hyunggu with honey dripping from his eyes, too fond always, always. how could he have expected the dancer to remain oblivious as yanan said he usually could be? even a blind man could tell just how infatuated yuto was. 

 

how pathetic he was. 

 

how pathetic he still is, curled up on a toilet, feelings hurt by something he wasn’t even meant to hear. it’s embarrassing. 

 

yuto takes a deep breath and splashes his face with water, looking into the mirror but only briefly because for some reason it hurts to see himself. he feels out of place in his own skin, in this apartment where he was just starting to become more comfortable. 

 

he jumps, a hand flying to his chest when a knock raps at the door. “i hope you’re not pooping cause i really got to hop in the shower now if i want to make it to work on time!” hyunggu’s teasing voice sounds out, followed by those soft giggles yuto loves so much. 

 

he plasters the fakest smile he can manage onto his face and opens the door, sliding past hyunggu with ease. “bathroom’s all yours!” he doesn’t make eye contact, he’s not ready for that yet. 

 

when he enters the kitchen yanan is pouring cream and sugar into his coffee, his face still riddled with stress. yuto can’t really blame him. yanan and hyunggu have been friends for years, looking after each other and taking care of one another. he has no clue what he would’ve done if it was wooseok on that floor, trembling, eyes unfocused. 

 

“i should’ve texted you last night.” yuto mumbles, foregoing any good mornings, sliding into one of the chairs at the island. “about hyunggu but it completely slipped my mind, i’m sorry.” 

 

yanan’s head snaps up in surprise, like he forgot yuto was even in the apartment in the first place. “it’s okay.” he waves him off, “wooseok told me he saw you two leave together.” 

 

“d-do you know what…” he doesn’t know exactly how to phrase it, even with the basic knowledge of the night he has. “what was wrong with him?” 

 

the silence between them lingers for a moment as yanan’s face flickers between five different emotions, ending in something like accepted disappointment. 

 

“he took some ecstasy.” the blonde says slowly, “a little too much of it, especially for someone who’s never taken a drug like that before. his body didn’t react that well to it and to be honest,” 

 

“hyunggu’s really fucking lucky.” yanan blows out a breath and yuto can see the way his hands tremble when he picks up his coffee mug. “the kid who sold him the shit got taken to the hospital and they had to pump his stomach because he almost overdosed. it wasn’t even molly, it was some fake shady drug he was selling for the same price.” 

 

“one more pill and hyunggu would’ve been…” yanan can’t even finish the sentence, face screwing up the way people’s do when all words have failed them. he doesn’t have to say anything else. yuto understands. 

“i’m not gonna sit here and watch him destroy himself when he has people around him willing to help him, willing to understand.” yanan shakes his head, slumping back into the counter. 

 

“when he has  _ you _ .” 

 

___________

  
  


“i saw hui at the convenience store this morning.” wooseok mumbles around a mouth full of noodles, the two of them scarfing down food on a splintering picnic table in between classes. it’s warm enough that they aren’t freezing, windy enough that yuto has to slam his lemonade down on his napkins and stray papers to keep them from fluttering away. 

 

it’s been a few days since they’ve seen each other, wooseok too busy trying to finish a twenty page essay, yuto avoiding hyunggu by remaining in his dorm and finally getting started on his own work. now that wooseok’s sitting right in front of him yuto takes his time to admire the glow upon his best friend’s cheeks, his hair messily dangling over his eyes as he eats. 

 

he likes seeing the younger like this. content and full of food, telling yuto all about his day. he gives him his full attention. wooseok deserves to be listened to. 

 

“was it awkward?” yuto unwraps his second sandwich, biting into it with a happy hum. the past couple of days it’s felt like his body is functioning on autopilot, some sort of default mode built for coping. with his best friend in front of him, belly slowly becoming full, he feels less stiff. thawing like a block of ice under the sun. 

 

“i thought it was gonna be.” wooseok has black bean sauce smeared over the corner of his lip so yuto leans forward to wipe it off, feeling something like deja vu. kang hyunggu flashes briefly by his mind. “but he smiled? at me. and i wanted to get an extra milk but i spent a lot of money at the arcade before so i didn’t have enough.” 

 

_ ah, wooseok’s unhealthy chocolate milk addiction combined with his unhealthier gaming addiction, no wonder he didn’t have any money.   _

 

“did he pay for you like the sweet son of a bitch that he is?” yuto sighs, because only lee hwitaek would do such a nice thing for the guy his ex-boyfriend cheated on him with. 

 

“he did!” wooseok groans, stuffing more food into his mouth as he does so. “he didn’t just pay for the milk, he paid for everything and i felt like the biggest asshole in the universe. i drunk the milk of course, but it didn’t taste the same.” he pouts, cheeks puffed up as he chews. 

 

“that’s the guilt.”

 

“yes thank you, yuto.” he rolls his eyes and then his features settle into something softer. “this is gonna sound bad but i guess i didn’t think too much about how hui was going to feel because i was so caught up in shinwon and believing that he wanted me just as much as i wanted him y’know?” 

 

“it wasn’t until i saw them together at the party that i thought ‘wow i ruined something good, didn’t i?’ and hui being nice to me just made me feel worse.” wooseok stabs his straw though the puncture hole of his milk, sipping angrily at the sweet drink. 

 

“if it makes you feel any better hui doesn’t blame you.” yuto offers, “it’s good that you felt bad.” he laughs when wooseok’s face scrunches in confusion. “you’d be pretty heartless if you didn’t. but after all, you’re not the one who cheated on hui, shinwon was.” 

 

“was that supposed to make me feel better?”

 

“no.” yuto answers honestly. the clouds slowly roll in to cover the beaming sun above them and they both shiver at the loss of warmth. “you fucked up but hui will eventually fully forgive you so now you just have to work on forgiving yourself.” the ‘ _ and never do it again _ ’ goes without saying.  

 

“do you forgive me?” wooseok won’t meet his eyes, tracing shapes onto the wooden tabletop, meek all of a sudden. 

 

“of course-” 

 

“not for the shinwon thing.” since his drunk outbursts he refuses to refer to what happened between the older man and him as a kiss. he calls it ‘the shinwon thing’ or just ‘The Situation **™’** like someone’s going to hear him, hop out of the bushes and rub the fact that he was briefly ‘the other man’ in his face. 

 

“i still feel bad about what happened with hyunggu.” wooseok admits, finally looking up and his eyes look sad. sullen in a sympathizing way, sad  _ for _ yuto and his thorn pricked heart. “if i had known how you felt about him i wouldn’t had even gone on the date.” 

 

“i didn’t even know how i felt about him then.” yuto rests his head on his arms, feels his lips quirk up when wooseok’s hands immediately start to card through his hair. “i still don’t really know. i feel like all the time we’ve spent together has simultaneously been too much and not enough.” 

 

“but you like him,” wooseok singsongs, in the giddy way he does whenever he’s teasing or has the upperhand in something. “i saw you staring him down while we were at hyojong’s. it wasn’t subtle at all by the way, you looked like you were gonna eat him.” he laughs loudly and gets a glare in return. 

 

“was i really that obvious?” yuto groans into his forearm, feeling his cheeks flood with heat at the thought of being a lovesick puppy. he never thought he’d be the type to pine, to ogle his crush from across the room until they noticed him. 

 

maybe it’s because he’s never felt the way hyunggu makes him feel with anybody else. he’s never had somebody who he wants to revolve around like the sun, give everything,  _ anything _ to. 

 

he’s not the lead in a cliche romance movie, he’s adachi yuto, nervous yet determined to memorize every pixel of what hyunggu was wearing that night. he looked so good yuto would be angry at himself if he somehow forgot it. 

 

but he had to admit. staring at hyunggu while he threw his head back with peals of laughter, as he powerfully popped and curved his body to thumping beats, had become a habit. giving his full attention to hyunggu had become a habit. 

 

it’s not his fault hyunggu looks gorgeous in every possible moment. at home with his duckie pajama pants on, some green sticky face mask on his nose as he snacks on pretzels. sweating and out of breath after practice, shirt damp and sticking to his back. yuto doesn’t know how he manages to be so stunning all the time. 

 

he can’t really blame himself for staring. it’d be a sin not to. 

 

“only to people who knew what to look for.” wooseok reassures him, and yuto can’t see but he can hear the sounds of slurping noodles above him. “to everyone else you probably just looked pissed about something. you have a resting bitch face you know, your eyebrows make you look like you wanna fight someone.” 

 

“i do.” yuto finally sits up, cramming the leftover bread into his mouth. “myself, at all times.” 

 

“why don’t you just tell him how you feel?” wooseok says like it’s that simple, smiles brightly when yuto shoves his extra bag of chips over to him. he always ends up taking care of the younger without realizing it. 

 

“because i think he already knows.” yuto tries not to sound upset about it. “if he wanted something more, don’t you think he would’ve done something by now?” he doesn’t mention the kiss. that doesn’t count. 

 

wooseok opens his mouth to answer and stops, doe eyes becoming wider. “um...don’t panic but hyunggu’s walking over here.” 

 

yuto ducks his head as a reflex, straightening up immediately after because  _ he can see you, idiot _ . he doesn’t want to hyunggu to think that he’s actively avoiding him, even though he kind of is. 

 

he peeks over his shoulder and trudging through the crowd of rowdy young adults, is kang hyunggu, face set in a focused frown. he’s wearing a big striped jumper, long sleeves pulled over his hands, beanie stretched over his ears, absolutely adorable all bundled up. 

 

yuto wants to coo and die at the same time. 

 

hyunggu skids to a stop right in front of their table and yuto watches wooseok wave out of the corner of his eye, half focused on how flushed hyunggu’s cheeks look from the wind, the hair peeking out from his hat messy on his forehead. 

 

“could i talk to you for a second, yuto?” his voice is the softest yuto’s ever heard it, brown eyes hopeful and big. there’s no way he could say no. 

 

“um-” 

 

wooseok swallows the rest of his noodles in one bite, it’s quite impressive, stuffing a text-book into his bag as he stands, “i have to meet hyojong near the theatre in like five minutes so feel free to take my seat.” he leans over and squeezes yuto’s shoulder before striding away, long legs carrying him easily. 

 

hyunggu sits on yuto’s side anyways. they don’t have to cram in but it’s just tight enough that their thighs brush under the table and if hyunggu turns to face him, the distance between their mouths is not much. yuto tries not to think about that. 

 

it’s hard being around hyunggu sometimes. yuto almost feels bad for not being able to pay attention when he licks his bottom lip or runs a hand through his hair, eyes glinting. everything about hyunggu is a distraction. 

 

“i’ve been avoiding you.” hyunggu admits bluntly once wooseok becomes a dot in the crowd, hands fiddling with his too long sleeves just to have something to do. 

 

yuto wants to say something, anything, a ‘me too’ because he had been doing the same exact thing but before he can organize his thoughts hyunggu is speaking again. 

 

“i didn’t know if you were mad at me and i was too scared to find out.” hyunggu whispers, wind ruffling the strands that linger around his eyes and without thinking yuto leans forward, brushing them away. 

 

they both pause, eyes locked and suddenly they aren’t on a poorly made bench in between classes, they are somewhere else entirely. maybe it’s just because hyunggu makes yuto feel like he’s on the moon or another planet half the time. he makes it feel like it’s only the two of them, floating through miles and miles of space. 

 

and something in hyunggu’s gaze is different, yuto just doesn’t know what. 

 

“why would i be mad at you?” yuto tilts his head, not understanding. yuto doesn’t get angry often, it takes a lot to make him even slightly pissed. not even wooseok smashing his phone completely on new years eve made him that upset. albeit, he was drunk off his ass but that’s besides the point. he can’t imagine any instance where his blood would boil because of hyunggu. 

 

he must still look confused because hyunggu huffs, cheeks puffing with the motion. “i shouldn’t have kissed you.”

 

yuto’s eyebrows furrow, gesturing for hyunggu to continue, to elaborate.  

 

“with what happened at hongseok’s halloween party.” hyunggu says slowly, like he’s choosing his words carefully. his brown eyes look solemn. yuto doesn’t like it. “that creepy guy who wouldn’t stop touching you, i-i didn’t want to be like him.” 

 

yuto immediately wants to protest, to disagree but he can’t. because it didn’t matter if the dancer was drunk or on ecstasy, he still kissed yuto without consent. though hyunggu couldn’t even give consent himself. 

 

and he thinks about it often, the press of hyunggu’s lips against his own, the way he tasted that night. and he feels bad for leaning into the kiss for a split second before he gained his bearings. for wanting hyunggu so much, even in that moment. 

 

hyunggu looks as apologetic now as yuto felt when he slipped into the covers beside him. it seems that they both made a mistake. 

 

yuto recalls his conversation with yanan about hyunggu being absolutely oblivious, blind to the people around him that want more than just a simple friendship. he looks at hyunggu so intensely that it’s almost like he’s seeing through him and knows that they could never be only friends. 

 

“you weren’t anything like him.” yuto grips hyunggu’s chin and tilts his face up, so that he can see for himself how genuine he is. hyunggu trembles at his touch. “i kissed you back, there’s a difference.” 

 

hyunggu freezes, the way deer do in the presence of headlights, the way people do when you’ve dropped a bomb on them. he’s looking up at yuto with some kind of awe and in that moment he realizes hyunggu thought he was pushing yuto into something that he didn’t want. he didn’t know that night the kiss was reciprocated. 

 

then, like fate was doing him a favor, the alarm on his phone went off, blaring and annoying. a reminder for him to start heading to his next class. 

 

they snap out of the little bubble they’re in, the world around them morphing and shifting back into normal. a slow smile spreads across hyunggu’s lips as yuto starts to gather his trash and throw it away, hoisting his bag over his shoulder. 

 

“sorry, i gotta head to music history.” yuto frowns, still just standing there. he doesn’t want to leave hyunggu, especially on this note. 

 

“we can talk later.” hyunggu offers, handing him a stray pen that fell onto the floor. he squeezes his hand as he lets go. “meet me at the studio at 6?”

 

“i’ll be there.”  

____________

 

room 36b is dark when yuto enters, so he flicks the lights on, slightly confused as he looks around it’s vacancy. something is different. 

 

at first yuto thinks they’re flyers, advertisements for some new club or volunteer service, the ones that they hang in the caf. they are plastered all over the walls of the dance studio, on the mirror, on the speaker right over where the music blasts out. thinks maybe it’s a prank. they are everywhere. 

 

but then he sees his name. 

 

and he recognizes hyunggu’s handwriting, slanted, somewhere in between cursive and bold print. there are dates in the corners, raging from the beginning of october, to halloween, to yesterday. 

 

**_{ a good day - oct 20 }_ **

 

> **_me and yuto went to the carnival, it was really fun and he won me this pig plushie on that one game that everyone swears is rigged. he beat it in only two tries like some kind of magician or smth._ **

 

> **_it was hot?? yeah….it was kinda hot._ **

 

**_{ my brain felt icky today - november 9 }_ **

 

> **_yuto brought me oranges during lunch because i wasn’t feeling well and mentioned not too long ago in passing that i liked them. that man is an angel without wings, i can’t believe he remembered!! he looked all shy when he handed them to me, it was really cute._ **

 

> **_i couldn’t help but wander off during my first class about how good he looked the first night we met, listening to me go on and on about the most boring shit, smiling the whole time. and i kept thinking to myself is he really this nice or is he just pretending to be so later he can get into my pants? is he just being polite because i’ve trapped him into this conversation??_ **

 

> **_now it’s months later and i know it’s not an act to get something from me, it’s not a front he’s putting up. he’s actually that nice, always and he smells like cinnamon apples and...._ **

 

> **_i’m going to break his heart._ **

 

**_{ fuckity fuckity fuck fuck - nov 1 }_ **

 

> **_so i went on a date with jung wooseok. it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either._ **

 

> **_we kept bumping heads on everything. about what drink we should share, about how much extra butter to put in the popcorn (obviously only a little so it doesn’t get soggy u fucking weirdo), about where to sit in the theatre; obviously in the middle in the fourth row so you don’t have to break your neck sitting in the front and so you don’t have to squint from the back._ **

 

> **_apparently wooseok doesn’t know how to watch movies._ **

 

> **_he kept asking me questions and whispering too loud while i was fully immersed in the storyline and he even tried to kiss me during a death scene??? there are tears running down my face, get away from my lap, you overgrown saint bernard._ **

 

> **_it’s not that i don’t like him, i think he’s funny and he makes all these weird noises but so do i so it’s okay. and he likes mario kart which automatically makes him alright in my book but he’s ass on rainbow road which automatically makes him a loser. and not a valid gay at all._ **

 

> **_he’s not my type and i’m kinda sad i got tricked into thinking he might be._ **

 

> **_the weirdest thing was, after we awkwardly made out and ate ice cream, i kept thinking about yuto. and how easy things are with him._ **

 

> **_we both like the same movies, and shitty reality tv and he knows all the words to songs that most people hate but i love. he doesn’t interrupt me because he knows i don’t like it and that it discourages me from speaking. he doesn’t mind when i talk about things that are disheartening and bring the mood down because he understands that i can’t always be happy._ **

 

> **_it’s easy. so easy._ **

 

> **_concerning, almost._ **

 

**_{ oh - nov 6 }_ **

 

> **_don’t take my word on this, but i think yuto likes me?_ **

 

> **_that is all._ **

 

**_{ i did a bad thing - nov 24 }_ **

 

> **_i feel really disappointed in myself. i normally do but not for this particular reason._ **

 

> **_i kissed yuto. and i don’t regret it._ **

 

> **_i shouldn’t have done it, but i don’t wish it didn’t happen. i’m disappointed because it shouldn’t have happened while i was tripping off of my ass and i shouldn’t have attacked yuto like that )): gosh i wonder what he thought of me._ **

 

> **_i just remember looking at him in that moment and thinking, ‘if i don’t kiss him right now i’m never going to do it’ so... i did it. and then i passed out._ **

 

> **_i know my logic is all messed up, but i didn’t want to get yuto’s hopes up. because i know that he likes me. for the first time in my life i can actually tell, (u better be proud of me, yanan) but i’ve hurt people before, regardless of how much they hurt me to get to that point._ **

 

> **_yuto is everything i dream of. train rides holding hands as we look at the graffiti lined buildings together. sharing bad coffee in the middle of the day because we’re both too tired to function. cuddling up together on the couch, falling asleep that way and then complaining about how sore our bodies feel in the morning._ **

 

> **_i have that all with him already. and i don’t want to ruin it. i don’t want to ruin him. i don’t want to ruin the idea that he has of me with something else entirely._ **

 

> **_he’s seen me but never all of me, never too much of me at once. if i get his hopes up that i’m everything he’s looking for, what’ll happen when he realizes i’m nothing of the sort?_ **

 

> **_i don’t want him to leave._ **

 

> **_but i had to have a taste._ **

 

> **_is that selfish of me?_ **

 

**_{ sad boi hours - nov 25 }_ **

 

> **_i miss yuto._ **

 

> **_i could go see him, stop by his dorm but the idea of that is very scary. not yuto. just the moment itself._ **

 

> **_i wouldn’t say that i’m avoiding him, but i’m not actively seeking him out either. i saw a really cute cat meme earlier that i wanted to send to him but i stopped myself so now i’m just sad about it. i know he would’ve thought it was funny._ **

 

> **_my head’s a lot clearer now than yesterday but i still don’t remember much. just the kiss and accidentally knocking hyojong’s toothbrush into the toilet._ **

 

> **_there’s a small part of my brain that is terrified of disappointing yuto. making myself feel bad is okay. but when it comes to him i just want to make him happy and comfortable. but i made him uncomfortable and unsafe and i )):_ **

 

> **_i’ll come back to this later_ **

 

“i never finished that page.” hyunggu is sitting on the floor of the studio when he turns around, disgustingly beautiful in track bottoms and a tank top. “yanan got drunk with me instead.” 

 

yuto wonders when hyunggu is going to stop confusing him so much. it always feels like the other man is running circles around him. “what is...all of this?”

 

“these are all pages from my purple book.” hyunggu gestures around and he’s trying to look calm but yuto can see the way his hands shake as he does so.  “i told you i jot down everything that i want to remember, just in case. some point after meeting you i started writing down little things about you that i didn’t want to forget and then that progressed into moments, into full days that i spent with you and i’d write them all down.” 

 

“i realized that every moment with you was unforgettable.” hyunggu is sincere, pulling himself to his feet to stand directly in front of yuto, reaching for his hands. yuto lets him take them. it makes him centered, latched onto this moment entirely. he’s never going to forget this. 

 

“i know i keep apologizing but i’m sorry that i hurt you.” hyunggu cups his cheek, eyes fluttered closed in pleasure when yuto leans into the touch. it’s like that simple act of affection soothed him so completely. “i should have said something when i realized you liked me but i got scared i guess? relationships make things complicated,  _ i  _ make things complicated. i didn’t want to let you go but i didn’t want you to get too close either.” 

 

“and i don’t even know if that makes any sense!” he bursts out, making yuto jump slightly. it’s like he’s trying to get everything out in one breath, to explain himself the best way he can. “but that was my logic at the time. and-” 

 

“can i say something?” yuto interrupts, because hyunggu’s not on trial, there’s no testimony he has to give. he seems so frantic, scared yuto won’t believe him and he just wants it to stop. 

 

hyunggu just nods, his thumb still softly stroking over yuto’s cheek, not letting go. yuto doesn’t want him to. 

 

“i think it’s time for me to be honest too.” yuto takes a deep breath and lets everything spill out. “i like the concentrated look on your face when you’re playing mario kart and the way your cheeks puff up when you get angry. i like the way you laugh when i call you ‘kirby boy’. i like when you get really sleepy on my lap and even though i complain, i like carrying you to bed.” 

 

hyunggu is like sunshine in front of him, burning brighter with every word that slips past yuto’s lips. seeing him like that, he can’t make himself stop, stunned by the light of him. hyunggu’s always beautiful but with his cheeks flushed pink, holding onto yuto so tight, he’s ethereal, a star trapped beneath yuto’s palms. 

 

“i like when you’re really hungry and whine about food until we go out to get some. i like when you play with my hair or my hands and you don’t have to think about it, like it’s a reflex. i like when you sing in the shower and i can hear you from the living room, i like the way you dance like nobody’s watching, like you wouldn’t care even if everybody was.” 

 

months of holding his tongue, of held back emotions pour out of yuto like a dam bursting, until the room is full of  _ i like yous _ ,  _ this is how much i care about yous.  _

 

“i like just you, when you don’t have any makeup on and you just woke up so your hair looks like a birds nest.” hyunggu chuckles at that but yuto can see the tears building up in his eyes. he continues. 

 

“i like when you’re angry and you rant until you run out of breath, i like when you’re sad because it reminds me that you’re human and we can work on feeling better together.” he leans in real close until he can feel hyunggu’s breath teasing his bottom lip. “don’t you understand, hyunggu, it doesn’t matter if i haven’t seen all of you because i  _ want _ to. as long as you’re willing to show me.” 

 

the smile he gets in return is blinding and he doesn’t have to hesitate, he captures hyunggu’s lips with his own, his right hand rubbing gentle circles into the other’s jaw. hyunggu opens up so sweetly for him and the gasp he gets when their tongues tangle sends tingles down his spine.

 

yuto presses hyunggu into the wall behind them and the pages flutter to the floor, forgotten. he bites down just a little on hyunggu’s lip just to feel him shudder in his grip. it’s maddening almost being this close to hyunggu after wanting it so badly for so long.

 

hyunggu is a dream under his touch, whining when yuto trails kisses down his neck, back and forth, over and over again just to hear the little noises he lets free. it’s intoxicating. hyunggu smells like vanilla still, pink lips parted to breathe properly, like yuto’s taking his breath away.

 

the skin of his tummy is warm when yuto touches it and he giggles when yuto tickles him slightly, all loud and happy. yuto wants to hear just that sound on loop for the rest of his life.

 

he lets his hand linger above hyunggu’s chest, feeling his heart beat faster the more he touches him. his own heart sings in return. 

 

the lights flicker and it begins pouring outside, thousands of heavy raindrops falling to the ground in tandem. the earth is celebrating them, thanking them for finally getting their heads out of their asses and coming together. 

 

they kiss once more and lightning flashes past the windows, saying hello. 

_________

 

hyunggu has a christmas recital in late december and all of their friends go to see it, ever the supportive bunch. they tell guests not to clap or make loud noises until the end but hyojong still cheers the moment he sees hyunggu step out and shinwon claps when he does the splits. 

 

they go out to barbecue afterwards and hyunggu curls up under yuto’s arm, wearing one of the japanese boy’s old hoodies, stuffing his face with fried rice. he’s glowing, satisfied with himself and his performance, surrounded by his loved ones. 

 

yuto thinks if he smiles any harder his cheeks will start to hurt but he can’t stop. it seems all he does is smile around hyunggu. 

 

the dancer keeps absentmindedly feeding him, holding his spoon up to yuto’s face, the other hand resting on his thigh. it’s all so domestic but not all different from what they’re used to doing, only this time yuto can call hyunggu his and mean every word. 

 

when hyunggu turns to him and presses a kiss to his cheek, eyes in cute crescent moons, yuto sighs, leaning his head onto the shorter boy’s shoulder. 

 

_ “have you ever been so in love that it hurts?”  _

 

yuto thinks so. but it’s a beautiful pain. one that hurts so much it feels good. a bite with a soothing kiss pressed there afterwards. it’s the only pain that’s truly worth it in the end. 

 

he sits in the booth, his smiley boy made up of constellations, billions of shining stars by his side and can feel himself gleaming, radiating light. 

 

what a pleasure it is to be luminescent.

 

 

  

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you sm for reading!! i hope you enjoyed this! your response means a lot to me so don't be shy to leave kudos or a comment ((: 
> 
> ig: roseyuto


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